Up And Over We Go
by HopeRomance
Summary: Palpatine is dead. The war is ending. But for Rey and Ben, the work has just begun. Rated M for future chapters. AU: Ben lives.
1. Chapter 1

CHAPTER ONE

It's freezing cold. Bits of gravel are digging into her knees. She can feel a slight trickle of sweat — or is it blood?— dripping down her neck. But none of those things matter right now. In fact, they're barely occupying any space in her mind. What's taking up the most of her attention is the warm, still body lying beneath her. Time seems to have stopped and moved at hyperspeed all at once.

Snippets from the past half hour flash through Rey's mind… using both lightsabers to deflect Palpatine's attack… collapsing… waking up in Ben's arms… kissing him… Ben kissing her back… and then him falling, sinking to the ground before she could catch him.

And now she's here. Kneeling above him, hands on his ragged sweater, not entirely sure what she's doing. She can't tell if he's breathing or not. Does it even matter? He pulled her from the brink — she can do the same for him. She must.

"Be with me," she whispers. Her throat aches with every word, but she pushes through it. "Be with me…"

If all the Jedi who ever lived could come to her aid before, surely they can help her just one more time. Surely they can push him away from whatever galaxy lies beyond this one and send him back to her.

Surely she didn't make it this far — _they_ didn't make it this far — only to lose each other now.

Nothing changes.

The room is still silent apart from the occasional thud of crumbling bricks. A slight breeze blows dust in her eyes and irritates her nose. He is not moving.

Maybe there was too much damage… maybe there simply isn't enough life left for the both of them…

One more try, she tells herself. One more, and then she'll accept the unacceptable.

"Be with me," her voice is so raspy she can barely hear herself. Her eyes fill to the point that Ben looks like nothing more than a dark, watery blob on the ground. "Be with me…"

She shuts her eyes, no longer able to face one of her deepest fears. She has no clue what went on above her head while she was down here battling Palpatine. For all she knows, she might have already lost every person who ever mattered to her… Finn, Poe, Chewie, and now… will there be anyone there to greet her when she makes her way out of this evil place? Has she been doomed from the very start to be alone in this life?

Something happens. A shift. It's so small that she thinks she may have imagined it. Did his chest move or did her hand simply twitch? Does she dare to hope?

"Ben," she leans down so that her mouth is right next to his ear. "If you can hear me, if you're there, give me some sign."

She waits.

Maybe it was her imagination after all. Maybe after the stress she has endured today, this is just too much for her mind to process. Maybe she should leave before she goes mad…

She pushes herself back to an upright position and looks down at him one more time. He looks so much younger like this, so much more fragile, than she ever thought he could. She wonders if this is what he looked like every time he went to sleep. She wishes she could have found that out for herself.

Suddenly — pressure on her right hand… on top of her hand. She whips her head to the side, heart pounding in her chest. And what she sees makes her heart stop all together.

His hand is over hers. Completely covering hers, actually. Slowly, he moves his thumb down to circle around her wrist. It's a light grip — she can barely feel the calluses on his palm — but it's a grip nonetheless.

"Ben?" her voice catches in her throat.

He squeezes gently, but that's more than enough for her.

Every tear that was threatening to spill runs down her cheeks now. But they're not the tears of mourning she had feared she'd shed — they're tears of joy, relief, gratitude. She laughs. She doesn't even mean to and it hurts like hell but she can't stop laughing. Even moving a muscle is agony and her arms are shaking, but she slides her free hand up to his shoulder and squeezes, willing him to move once more.

"Ben," she says, when she's gained enough control of herself to speak again.

And then she's gifted with the most beautiful sight in the world.

He opens his eyes.

Nothing, nothing could prepare her for the sheer elation that takes over when she sees him looking up at her. He looks exhausted, but he's alive. He's alive and he's looking at her with a gaze so soft that she thinks she might spontaneously combust.

"You're here. You're back," she chokes out as she reaches to brush a strand of hair off his face.

He grins just a little, never taking his eyes off of her.

"You didn't think it would be that easy to get rid of me, did you?"

Together they start to find their way out of Palpatine's throne room. It's slow work, partly because they're both weak with fatigue and partly because the rubble is blocking every clear path there once was.

Rey keeps her arm tightly wrapped around his waist, and Ben keeps his arm around her shoulder. She's not sure who's keeping who upright. Maybe it's an equal effort from both of them. That would make perfect sense for them, she thinks. Dyads in the force, perfectly balanced in everything they do, literally keeping each other alive.

The weight of the two lightsabers seems to be increasing with each step she takes. Ben offered to carry both or at least one, but he's already moving so clumsily, as if his body is suddenly too big for him, that she doesn't want to burden him with even another ounce.

"How much further do you think it is?" Ben winces as they hike over a particularly large pile of rocks.

He injured his leg badly when he was thrown into that pit, and Rey was able to bring him back to life, but not heal him entirely.

"We must be close," she says, gritting her teeth through her own aches and pains.

They make their way back to flat ground and Ben's leg nearly goes out from under him. He manages to brace himself against a wall before he falls and takes her down with him.

"Do you need to take a break?" Rey asks, running a soothing hand up and down his back as he struggles to catch his breath.

"No," Ben pants. "We should get out here. We have no clue who else might have survived."

"We're not exactly difficult targets. If someone wanted to attack, they would have done it by now."

Rey motions to the silent, empty ruins to emphasize her point.

"You have to remember that I spent years being trained to see a threat around every corner," he says.

"That's made you paranoid."

"It's also kept me safe."

Ben shuts his eyes and Rey can feel the effort he's expending to steady his breath.

"You didn't seem too worried about threats when you rushed in here to help me." She runs her hand up his back once more and moves it to the nape of his neck, massaging it gently.

"I didn't have time to be worried. I knew what I had to do and I did it."

"And I'm so glad you did."

He opens his eyes again and meets her gaze, a depth and intensity in them that she's only seen a few times before.

"So am I," he whispers.

She wants to kiss him. More than anything right now she wants to reach up, grab his face, and pull him down so his lips can meet hers. She wants him to wrap his impossibly big hands around her waist. She wants to stay like that for a very, very long time.

But she's fairly certain the effort from doing any of that would kill the both of them. So she settles for simply placing a hand on his cheek.

"We'll keep each other safe, how about that? We've already had plenty of practice doing it."

His mouth twitches upward, as much of a smile as he can muster. Then he turns his head and presses his lips against her palm.

"We'll keep each other safe," he echoes.

They stop whenever either of them needs to, so it takes much longer than they should, but eventually they find themselves standing in front of the X-Wing. They're both drenched in sweat, caked in dirt and dust, so tired they're shaking. But they're here, and Rey is so happy she feels like she could cry again.

"It's going to be a tight fit," she says, looking up at Ben, who's swaying slightly.

"It won't have to be for long," he sighs. "Just drop me off at the first remote planet we find and I'll begin my exile."

"What?"

Rey's heart starts hammering in her chest again. Exile? What is he thinking?

"I could easily be sentenced to death for the things I've done. My only other options are to go into hiding or to be exiled. I'd prefer if it was self-imposed."

"No," she says, trying to fight back the panic bubbling up inside her. "Absolutely not. You're not leaving me after all of this."

Ben looks down at her.

"What other choice do I have?"

She can see the sadness in his eyes. The grief, the despair, the pain. She cannot let him do this. Not to her, not to himself.

"You can stay with me. We can go back to the Resistance base together," she says. She tightens her grip on him as a silent way of telling him she's not letting him go.

"I'll never be welcome there."

"I'll tell them that you are. I'll tell them about everything you've done for me, for our cause. I will make them see you for who you really are."

Ben shakes his head. He takes a deep, heaving breath before he speaks. When he finally does, his voice is choked as if his whole throat is tight. As if he's holding back tears. The light shifts and by the glint in his eyes, Rey can tell that's exactly what he's doing.

"I've been a horrible person. I've done horrible things. I don't expect to ever truly be forgiven."

Rey moves so that she can grab his free hand with hers. She squeezes gently, just as he did so many hours ago.

"That's the thing about forgiveness, Ben. It's never too late to ask for it."

She takes a step — just a small step — towards the jet, and hopes with every fiber of her being that he'll follow her. Not just to the X-Wing, but all the way back to the Resistance.

She looks behind her and sees him standing there, looking like a child and a hardened man all at the same time, tears cutting fresh tracks down his filthy face. For a second, she thinks he won't move.

But then he does.

And slowly, carefully, they walk hand in hand into the future.

* * *

A/N: Well, that's the first chapter done. I honestly have no idea how long this is going to end up being but I figure I'll just keep writing until I run out of story and I hope you'll all join me in the journey. Ever since watching the movie I haven't stopped thinking about what would have happened to everyone afterward - especially if Ben had lived - so here's my version of it all. BTW more characters will be in the upcoming chapters and I'll def be diving into what their lives look like now too. xx


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER TWO

If it weren't Ben's lap she's halfway sitting on, this flight would be almost unbearable. The X-Wing was only designed for one person and that had been painfully obvious as Rey and Ben climbed in and attempted to share the seat as respectfully as possible. The end result being that Ben is perched on the left and Rey is on the right side of the seat, her legs and upper body partially on top of his.

Steering the jet from this position is awkward, but she manages well enough. She's not exactly comfortable, but it does feel nice to have Ben so close to her, especially when he's sleeping so soundly she's felt compelled to check that he's still breathing more than once. The fact that he's able to sleep like this at all is a testament to how worn out he is. She knows firsthand that returning from the brink of death is an exhausting experience.

Without having him to talk to, she finds herself utterly alone with her thoughts for the first time in a while. This is nothing like the trip from Ahch-To to Exegol, where all she could think about was stopping Palpatine. And that was less of a thought and more of a steady pounding in her head — her own personal war drum. All she could focus on then was the mission that much be accomplished by whatever means necessary.

But now, in the silence, with the stars and planets stretching out endlessly before her, her head is clear and she can focus on anything she wants.

What is she going to say when they arrive at the base? Ben was right — they won't accept him as easily as she tried to make it sound. They very well might not accept him at all. And who could blame them? How many people in the Resistance were hurt or lost homes or loved ones because of his actions? How many people saw him and could only ever see him as the monster he was shaped into?

If she didn't know him the way that she knows him, if she couldn't feel his soul like it was a part of her own, she doesn't know how receptive she would be to having him around either.

Unintentionally, a giggle escapes from her mouth. Then another. It's wholly inappropriate for the situation and she knows that, but she's laughing and she can't stop.

Was it really just a day or so ago that she was fighting him in the Death Star and stabbing him with her lightsaber? Was it really that recently that she fought a Sith vision of herself, and he smashed a Wayfinder, and she tried to throw her lightsaber in a fire? Not so long ago, she didn't even have a last name and now she's a Palpatine, one half of a dyad, all of the Jedi. How could so much be so different so quickly?

She tries to stop laughing, but the harder she tries, the harder she laughs. She can hear the laughter turning manic, then hysterical, then into broken sobs, but it's as if she doesn't have control over her own body anymore.

She feels as if she's simply sitting next to herself, watching herself lose control and hoping she's not losing her mind.

No, she's not going insane, she decides a moment later, when she finally managed to take a breath. Her brain simply is not able to process everything that's happened all at once.

So she'll deal with it in bits and pieces.

So recently it's almost comical, she _was_ fighting Kylo Ren. She stabbed Kylo Ren. She healed him and she left.

And then Ben came to help her. Ben saved her life.

And now she's going to help him rebuild his.

She told him — she promised him — that she would make the others welcome him. So somehow, that's what she's going to do. She's not a fool. She knows it won't happen immediately, but maybe over time, they'll be able to see him for who he is and not who he was.

It doesn't take long to touch down at the Resistance base. There's an empty space that almost seems as if it was left clear for her.

Inside the X-Wing, everything is silent. But everything around the jet is a flurry of motion. People are running toward each other, embracing, laughing, crying, sometimes all at once. She can see Chewie not too far away — Wookies really do stand out in a crowd. Finn and Poe will probably be nearby, but even if they're not, they'll be together. She's sure of that.

She scans the crowd for one more familiar face, though she already knows deep down that she won't see it.

Leia is not with the revelers, or comforting the mourners, or conferring with the strategists. She's not welcoming Resistance members back or overseeing the care of injured fighters. She she's not waiting for Rey or her son.

If she was alive, she would have felt the shift in the Force. She would have known that Rey had prevailed over Palpatine and that Ben had returned to the light.

And she would have been waiting for them.

Does Ben know with the same certainty that she does, that his mother is gone? He must. He must have known it the second it happened.

The full impact of the loss will hit her later. For right now it's a dull ache that's swirling around with all of the other conflicting emotions that she's not totally sure how to deal with inside her.

Rey takes a deep breath and prepares to get out of her seat. There's no more time to stall. It's not that she doesn't want to reunite with her friends, it's simply that she has no clue what she's going to say. With everything that's happened, to all of them, what words could even be said?

She unclicks the seatbelt and slowly starts pulling her legs off of Ben. She doesn't realize until she moves them how shaky they still are. Every ache and pain that dulled while she was sitting is slowly returning.

Just as she's about to fully pull herself off the seat, Ben stirs.

A small part of her had thought he'd sleep through the whole day. If he could sleep in a moving jet surely he could sleep in an idle one.

But there he is, eyes mostly open, head lifted up as much as it seems he can manage, gripping her hand.

"Hi. We're here," she says, suddenly embarrassed that her grand plan was to leave him alone in here for an indeterminate amount of time, right after telling him she wasn't going to leave him alone. How would he have felt when he eventually woke up?

"I can sense your unease," he frowns. "You don't have to let me stay here. If you regret what you said earlier, I'll understand."

"No," she snaps. "You asked me to join you so many times, but it was always the wrong way. Now I'm asking _you_ to join _me._ The right way. I'm just not sure what I'm walking into."

Ben squeezes her hand a little more tightly.

"My mother is dead," he says.

The bluntness, the truth, of his words elicit tears that well in her eyes.

"I believe so," she replies, not bothering to hide the way her voice shakes.

"On Kef Bir, I heard her voice. Then I felt it. I think you might have felt it too. But I knew it for certain in those minutes I spent dying. I saw her. She was waiting for me.

He's rested his head on her shoulder, his face turned into her neck so his words are a little muffled.

"She was waiting? For you to become one with the Force?" she asks,

"No," he inhales deeply. "I don't think that was it. I think she was waiting to tell me to go back."

"And you did."

"For once, I was able to do what she asked of me."

They stay silent for a few minutes. It's the last peaceful moment either of them are likely to experience for a while, and Rey wishes she could prolong it just a bit more. But there's work to be done and it won't happen inside this jet.

"I should go out first," she sighs. "I'll let them know everything that's happened. Prepare them."

"For me." The look of guilt in Ben's eyes is unmistakeable.

"Yes," she says. "I'd rather they not start shooting at you on sight."

He presses his lips to her shoulder.

"Thank you," he whispers.

"Thank me later," she says.

She gently pulls herself away from him and opens the door to the X-Wing. As she steps out of the jet, she looks back once more, just in time to see Ben fully slide into the seat, slouched enough to be somewhat inconspicuous. He gives her a slight smile as he watches her go.

It shouldn't surprise her that she's able to pick her friends out of a crowd as easily as she does. They've spent so much time together that she'd be able to recognize them anywhere. She walks through the crowd, feeling herself pick up speed. By the time she actually sees Poe and Finn — standing close together as she expected — she's broken into a full run.

They see her a half a second after she sees them and before she knows it all three of them are hugging, hands clasped together.

She shuts her eyes ,and for what must been the millionth time today, it seems impossible that she's alive and so are they and the worst of this whole thing is finally over.

"Welcome back," Poe says, when they finally all pull away from each other. "Been a hell of a day."

"Understatement of the year," Finn says, rolling his eyes, but shooting a warm smile at Poe.

"I can't believe you're both okay," Rey sighs.

"We can't believe you're okay. All we could see was lightning and explosions for a while."

"That sums it up, more or less."

"I wish we could have been down there to help you."

"You helped more than enough."

"But for you to be there all alone—"

"Well, I wasn't entirely alone."

"What do you mean?" Poe asks.

Rey can feel her heart hammering in her chest. This is the moment. She has to tell them, and explain it well enough that they'll understand. Words have never come to her as easily as action does, but her words cannot fail her now.

"I mean," she says, willing her voice to steady itself, "that I was not alone down there. In fact, if I had been alone, I would still be in Exegol, buried under a pile of rubble and certainly not alive."

"But how is that possible? We didn't see anyone go that way." Confusion is written all over Finn's face.

"And I was in communication with all of our people. Nobody mentioned going to find you." Poe's face is mirroring Finn's. Their twin expressions would be amusing under different circumstances.

Suddenly, she realizes how dry her throat is. It's been at least half a day since she last had a sip of water.

"You wouldn't have seen him. He wasn't one of our people. He is now." The words are getting progressively getting harder and harder for her to say.

After everything she's endured, how could this be so frightening?

"Well who was it?" Finn asks, bending down a little so he's at her eye-level.

"I'll introduce you if you swear you trust me," she says.

"Obviously we trust you. C'mon, I'd like to shake the hand of the man who helped us win this thing," Poe presses.

She takes a deep breath and locks eyes with Poe and then with Finn.

"It was Ben."

"Ben," Poe mutters. "I don't think I know a Ben. Ben… Ben who?"

They look at her, expectant. It's only one word…

"Solo."

Poe frowns as understands washes over Finn's face.

"Ben— Kylo Ren?!" Poe shouts. He's loud enough that a few people nearby look over.

"Quiet," Rey snaps.

"Are you insane?" Poe whisper-screams. "You brought Kylo Ren back to a camp full of innocent people who spent the past several years doing everything they could to fight him?"

"I brought Ben Solo back."

"He's the same person!"

A small vein is pulsing in Poe's neck. Finn puts a hand on his shoulder.

"Let's give Rey a chance to explain," Finn whispers.

"You're right," Poe sighs. "There's gotta be a reason she's done something so reckless and irrational."

"Once I explain you'll see it was neither of those things," Rey says.

She looks around, trying to find a more secluded place for their conversation. There's a bench off to the corner. She leads them to it, feeling an odd mix of relief and a sense of urgency.

As soon as they sit down, she launches into an account of everything that happened from Ahch-To to Exegol to the long trip back to the X-Wing. Finn and Poe don't move. They keep their eyes locked on her, entirely rapt.

"I truly would have been dead without him," Rey emphasizes once she's gotten thought the whole story. "I actually was dead for a minute or two."

"I thought so," Finn says. "I felt it."

"You—"

"We'll talk about it later."

He felt it? Does that mean he's… Well he's right — they should talk about it later.

"Keeping secrets?" Poe says, finally pulling his eyes from Rey to look at Finn.

"We'll _all_ talk about it later," Finn looks to Poe before returning to Rey. "So what now?"

Rey shuts her eyes and gathers her thoughts. Things have gone well so far. Nobody's interrupted or protested or stormed the X-Wing to forcibly remove Ben. But that doesn't mean they're going to like anything she says from this point on.

"I'm not asking you to be his friend right away," she starts, "or even to like him. But he is on our side now and he has more than earned a chance to make amends."

"How are we supposed to even start to trust this guy?" Poe says. She can tell it's a struggle for him to keep his voice down. "Do you know what he's done?"

"Of course I know, and he knows, and we're bonded in the Force so I can feel his constant regret and guilt over all of it."

Finn squints.

"So, bonded in the Force? That's a real thing?" he asks.

"A very complicated thing, but yes. Please. All I'm asking is for you to give him a chance."

The two men look to each other and Rey can see the silent conversation in their eyes. A chance. That shouldn't be too much to ask, should it?

Finally, Poe sighs and turns to look at her.

"If you truly believe this is the right thing to do, I'm willing to take the risk. But he'll have to be monitored, round-the-clock security, at least for a while. I won't put any of these people in danger. Not after everything we've been through."

She can feel all the muscles in her body relax. It's as good of an answer as she could have hoped for.

"Thank you," she launches herself at Poe and pulls him into another hug.

"Not that you've ever really listened to me before, but be careful with him. With his history of violence and — well obviously his parents were good people — but the family member he's always taken after, his grandfather—"

"Mine was worse."

"What?" Poe pulls back to look at her.

"There's one more thing I need to tell you both."

* * *

A/N: I'll be trying to update a little more frequently but thanks for all of your reviews/follows/favorites so far! I'm very excited to keep letting this story unfold xx


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER THREE

"So. Palpatine. Emperor Palpatine. The undead Sith Lord. Evilest guy in the galaxy. He's your grandpa?"

Finn's question breaks the long, stunned silence that has fallen over Rey, Poe, and himself. Rey is just grateful that somebody has finally said something.

"Yes," Rey sighs. "I know. It sounds ridiculous."

"You're right about that," Poe scoffs.

"It's a lot to take in."

"Right again, that's twice in a row."

"Does anyone else know about this?" Finn whispers.

"Luke knew. So did Leia. Ben found out just a little before I did."

"Well that explains why he was so desperate to get to you. Of course he'd want a Palpatine on his side."

"Don't do that," Rey snaps. "It's an insult to him and to me."

"Sorry," Finn mutters. "I didn't mean—"

"I wasn't expecting any of this to be easy, but in all the time we've known each other, I've never given you a reason not to trust me."

"Well you do have a history of running off on your own, charging into dangerous waters— sorry, not helping," Poe cuts himself off at the look on Finn's face.

Rey had thought that saying the whole story out loud to some one else would make it feel more real, but it's still just as bizarre as when it was happening. Perhaps even stranger.

She's spent so long taking things as they come, addressing every challenge like it was it's own separate piece of a whole, that stringing it all together feels wrong. As if she couldn't possibly be the same person that all of these things have happened to. And in a way she's not. She's not the scavenger on Jakku anymore, or the apprentice on Ahch-To, or even the fighter on Kef-Bir who was trying so desperately to deny everything she knew to be true. Everywhere she's gone, everything she's done has changed her. Sometimes in obvious ways, sometimes in subtler ways. But they've been changes nonetheless.

She's tired. Her head is spinning. All of the adrenaline that had been keeping her functioning is rapidly fading away. Even sitting up straight feels like a massive effort.

Right now she feels less like all the Jedi and more like a roasted porg.

"Where is everyone else?" she asks, mostly just to stop Poe and Finn from asking any more questions.

"Rose is trying to restore the rest of Threepio's memory. Maz is helping with triage. And Chewie's…" Finn looks in the direction Rey saw Chewbacca earlier, but he's not there anymore. "I thought he was—"

A very distinctive roar cuts Finn off. All three of them whip their heads in the direction of the noise and Rey's heart stops at what she sees.

Chewbacca is standing at the side of the X-Wing, in what is clearly a fit of rage. From this far away, she can't quite see Ben, but surely he's aware of Chewie's presence. And Chewie is aware of his.

The ruckus has drawn the attention of several other people, though no one is daring to get too close. That's good at least. That means she has a chance to get to them.

Rey pushes herself off the bench, ignoring the shaking in her arms.

"Rey, wait," Finn says, as she uses his shoulder to stabilize herself.

"You know she won't," Poe sighs.

She doesn't waste time arguing with them, partly because she knows they won't change her mind and partly because she knows they'll follow her anyway. And she's right.

She pushes through the crowd as politely as possible, walking as quickly as she can without breaking into a full run. Finn and Poe are close behind, flanking her on either side.

They're not far. Chewie hasn't calmed down at all, but at least he hasn't stormed into the jet and ripped Ben apart. Yet.

Good sense would tell her to stay far away from an enraged Wookie, but she seems to have run out of any of that for the day.

"Chewie!" she shouts, knowing she's still too far away for him to hear her over his own yells.

Just a few more paces, a few more seconds and she should be able to—

Chewbacca wrenches the door of the X-Wing open and Rey stops dead in her tracks. If he decides to kill Ben, he will be too fast for her to stop him. She could try to use the Force to throw him off, but she's not sure she's in control enough to do it without hurting anyone. And based off Ben's physical and mental state, she doubts he'd even put up a fight.

She feels a hand on her shoulder — Finn's no doubt — but she keeps her eyes fixed on the jet.

Everything happens in slow motion. Chewbacca leans over the seat, his massive size nearly shielding Ben from view. Ben puts his hands out, and from this distance she can't be sure, but it seems like he says something. Chewbacca doesn't move. Neither does Ben. And then, slowly, Chewie drops his arms. He makes a noise, but it doesn't contain the anger it did before.

Rey feels her legs moving before she's even consciously aware she's walking. She's become disturbingly used to her mind and body feeling disconnected from one another today.

The crowd parts more easily for her now. She can hear the murmurs. At least some people are sure to have recognized the large, dark-haired man sitting amongst them.

She makes it to the X-Wing just in time to catch what sounds like the end of a conversation.

"I know," Ben whispers. "I know. And you can't imagine how badly I wish I could take it back."

Chewie growls. He's reminding Ben of the time he almost killed him.

"Part of me wishes you had. The world would be a much brighter place today."

"The world is brighter today because of you," Rey cuts in. She can feel the regret and the shame and the heartbreak rolling off of him in waves. She can sense his thoughts and she doesn't like where they're headed.

Chewie whirls around to face Rey. He points at Ben, then cocks his head. A question.

"It's okay," she says. "Whatever he's told you is the truth. He's on our side now."

Ben pulls himself out of the seat and gingerly climbs out of the jet, wincing the whole time. Chewbacca moves at the sound, creating a barrier between Ben and the others.

"I'm willing to do whatever it takes to prove myself. And to make up for what I've done in whatever small way I can. Please," his voice breaks, "please just look at me."

Chewie locks eyes with Rey and she nods in what she hopes is an encouraging manner.

Finally, he turns around. Rey moves from behind Chewbacca, nerves on end, ready to interfere if need be. But her caution is unnecessary.

Ben is using one hand to steady himself against the side of the jet. With the other hand, he carefully, slowly reaches out until he's finally just barely touching Chewie's arm. She watches as the two of them lock eyes. She doesn't breathe. She doesn't think she could breathe even if she wanted to right now.

"It's me," he whispers, his eyes deep and dark and sad, young and weathered, hopeful and broken. "It's Ben."

Even the air feels still. There's no longer the slightest hint of a breeze. If she'd thought time was moving slowly before, it was nothing compared to this.

Time practically stops. Then Chewie makes a quiet, indecipherable noise. And then a small sad smile plays on the corners of Ben's mouth. Everything moves very slowly until it suddenly moves very fast.

Chewbacca pulls Ben into a hug. If she couldn't see the way Ben's hands were clutching onto Chewie and the slight shuddering of his shoulders, she might think he was being smothered to death.

It's easy to forget that Ben knew Chewie as a little boy, that their history goes back so much farther than hers does with either of them. But it's clear as day right now. Making Ben look small is not an easy task, but he looks like a child again in the giant Wookiee's arms.

The moment feels too intimate to observe so closely. A family reunion no one was meant to see.

Rey steps back, filling the space between Finn and Poe.

"If you think this is enough to make me like him, it's not," Poe mutters.

"There's two of us that you trust, that trust him. That must at least be enough to make you hate him a little less," Rey looks up at Poe.

His face is set in a hard frown, as if he's struggling to solve a difficult equation.

"I told him I'd help give him a chance," she continues, "Please give him that. If not for him, for me and Chewie."

Poe opens his mouth, then closes it. He shuts his eyes and takes a deep breath.

After spending most of the past day in perfect mental sync with Ben, it's so difficult for her to not know what people are thinking.

"You can see how this would be hard," Finn interjects, when Poe has opened and closed his mouth another two times, apparently incapable of finding the right words.

Finally Poe opens his eyes. He looks over at Ben, who's still half-buried in Chewbacca's fur.

"He looks pretty badly injured," Poe sighs. "He shouldn't be putting so much weight on that leg."

Rey feels the start of a smile spread across her face. It's not the open-armed welcome she'd secretly been hoping for, but it is a show of concern. And maybe for now that's enough.

Before she even has a chance to thank Poe, the scene in front of them changes in a slight but significant way.

Ben's leg seems to give out under him. Chewie notices the shift just in time to keep him from banging his head against the side of the X-Wing as he goes down. The Wookiee bends over and scoops Ben up, holding him like an over-sized baby.

If she wasn't fighting back a rush of fear, she might find humor in how ridiculous he looks. But now all she can think about is the possibility that this whole day may have simply been too much. She herself feels like she could easily slip into a coma, and she was in far better shape than he was at the end of things. How many times has each of their life forces been transferred today? How much does he have left? Is that even how it works?

"Ben!" she yells, although she can already feel that he's completely unconscious.

"It's okay, look, Chewie's got him," Finn says, placing another hand on her shoulder.

She focuses on what she can control, which right now, is her breathing. A deep inhale, a long exhale, over and over again until she feels more steady. She ignores the way her own head is swimming and the way her legs seem to be screaming at her to sit down.

Chewie roars softly. He needs to know where to take Ben.

Poe sighs a deep, weary sigh.

"Take him somewhere discreet. The fewer people that see him the better."

Everything seems to tilt. Her deep breathing isn't making Rey feel better anymore. It's suddenly very hard to focus.

"Don't let him die," she gasps out. She's not sure when she grasped onto Finn's arm so tightly, but it seems to be the only thing keeping her upright.

"Make sure he gets good care," Poe says to Chewie. His voice sounds oddly muffled. "Maybe Maz will know what to—"

If Poe keeps talking, Rey doesn't hear it. Her vision blurs, spots of light dance in front of her eyes. She feels herself sink to the ground and she feels Finn pull her back up.

He right next to her ear, calling her name.

"I'm fine," she mutters. It takes the last of her strength do so. "Just need… to lie down…"

She's fairly certain she hears her name one more time before everything goes black.


	4. Chapter 4

CHAPTER FOUR

It's dark when Rey finally opens her eyes. So dark, in fact, that she has to blink a few times just to be sure her eyes are actually open. She's lying flat on her back and for one sickening moment, she worries she's dreamed the whole past day. Her mind takes her back to Exegol, back to the horror of lying on the ground, collapsed before the Sith throne, alone and about to die. Everything that came after was some cruel hallucination, a revival and a rescue that never happened.

_No_, she tells herself. _It was all real, and it all happened, and you are safe now. Palpatine is dead and you are alive. Your friends are alive, Ben is alive, you are alive_.

She repeats that in her mind once, twice, three times, and again. She thinks the words until she remembers that they're true. She replays her journey, recalling each excruciating step that she took from that throne room to now. She tells herself the story of her own survival until she feels a small wet drop trickle from her eye down her cheek. She thinks the words until she believes them.

And she wonders how long it will be before the dark stops terrifying her.

She feels less exhausted now than she did when she landed on the Base. How many hours ago must that have been at this point? Could it be that she lost the entire rest of the day after she practically collapsed in her friend's arms? That would explain why it's so hideously dark in this room.

Her eyes are adjusting, albeit slowly, and she can just make out the dimensions of the room she's found herself in. It's small. The bed she's lying in takes up one corner of the room and she can feel something wrapped around her arm that must be keeping track of her pulse or her temperature or something. Next to the bed is a monitor, no doubt hooked up to whatever is around her arm. The room is mostly bare except for that, save a few trays against the wall opposite her that are stocked with bandages and other supplies.

This is one of the medical treatment rooms — that's not hard to figure out. She's never personally stayed in one — the injuries she's sustained in training have never been severe enough to land her an overnight stay — but she's been inside one of these a time or two and recognizes it all the same.

This is one of only three private rooms on the whole base — most people are treated in the triage center Maz set up when the base was first formed.

It's possible, Rey thinks, that she's sharing one of these walls with Ben. He might be a mere few inches of concrete away from her. But shouldn't she be able to feel him if he's that close?

She reaches out with her mind, waiting to feel that small, indescribable sensation that comes when the force bond she shares with Ben locks into place. She searches, trying to find that link to him, missing it for the first time in what feels like forever.

She's not nearly as tired as she had been earlier. Already she can feel her strength returning to her, though she doubts she'll actually have the energy to get out of this bed and walk around for a while yet.

There's nothing coming from the other end of the bond, at least not right now, so she settles for trusting her friends, believing that they will care for him as one of their own. If not for his sake, then for hers.

Rey pushes herself up to a sitting position, feeling the deep ache in her muscles and hearing the soft pops of her joints as she moves. It takes so much effort just to do something as simple as sit up straight. She's not used to physical exertion being this difficult for her, but then again she's never endured quite the amount of abuse she's put her body through recently.

She takes a moment to slow her breathing and savors the feeling of fresh, clean air in her lungs. There's so many trees on this planet, the air always feels pure and good, even inside this tiny room.

Her energy returns to her much faster than it would have a few hours ago. That's good. That means she's already healing.

She reaches behind herself and pulls the pillow up so it rests behind her back, forming a barrier between herself and the headboard of the bed.

It's quiet in her little room. All she can hear is the sound of her own breathing and the light beep beep beep of the monitor beside her.

If she'd had any question about it being nighttime, she's now sure. Nothing is ever this silent or this still unless it's night. There's a shift in the air when day slides into night, a quieting of all the things that spend their time in the sun. The force is always there, of course, humming underneath it all, alive and eternal in its own way, wrapping itself around her and everyone else and all the planets in all the galaxies.

It's that soft vibration, that life source itself, that she holds on to, clutching it as it anchors her to herself.

Not for the first time in the past few days, she thinks to herself how ridiculous it is that she's still alive.

She tries not to think too long or too hard about all the things that should have killed her — not just today, but every day since her birth. She focuses on clearing her mind, a skill she's honed through her years of Jedi training. She empties her head of all the extraneous thoughts, nods off somewhere in the middle of it all… until the sounds of not-too-far-away voices catch her attention.

If they were nearly anyone else, she'd be able to tune them out. But she knows those two voices, could pick them out in any crowd, just as easily as she picked out their faces when she got out of the X-Wing.

Finn and Poe are right outside her door.

"Just let her rest," she can hear Poe say. "We have all the time in the world to talk to her later today."

"Trust me, she's awake," Finn whispers back.

"But we don't have to be. C'mon, let's just go back to bed."

Rey can practically hear the way Poe must be rolling his eyes right now.

"She's been alone for hours, _days_, the least we can do is not leave her alone right now. Besides, we're supposed to be up in a few anyway."

The door to her hospital room clicks open and Rey turns to see the silhouette of her friends standing against the predawn sky, which is already shifting from inky black to a softer navy blue.

"Finn was right, I am awake," Rey rasps, her voice not sounding like her own. It's scratchy both from disuse in sleep and overuse during all the hours that led up to that.

Finn and Poe walk all the way into the room. Her eyes have adjusted well enough to the dark that she's able to see Poe grope around the wall for a few seconds before finding a light switch and flipping it on.

Harsh fluorescents flood the room and Rey squints against them, the brightness seeming too harsh for this time of day. Still, she's grateful to not be engulfed in the near-pitch black anymore.

"Glad to see you're up," Poe says as a greeting.

"Told you she would be," Finn mutters.

"I'm assuming you _felt_ it?

"Yes, in fact, I did. And isn't now a great time to talk about that too?"

"I think it is," Rey chimes in before those two can get too deep into their back and forth.

She looks around the room, and realizing there are no chairs in sight, motions for the two to sit on the edge of her bed.

Finn sits immediately and Poe grudgingly perches next to him, barely stifling a yawn.

"So," Rey says, "what is it you've been meaning to tell me all this time?"

She's fairly certain she already knows. She's thought there was something stronger than mere intuition or luck that's been guiding him for a while. She's thought, at times, that she could feel it, that awareness that she herself has been trained to be so in tune with.

Still, she's filled with a certain awestruck wonder when he actually says the words out loud.

"I'm Force sensitive," he says.

She reflects his smile back at him.

"How long have you known?"

"I wasn't sure until recently, but I think maybe some part of me has always known, from the minute I defected from the First Order. I think it's what drew me away from there. And what drew me to you," he turns to look at Poe. "To both of you."

She did so much of the talking yesterday, it feels nice to be the one listening this time around. Rey leans back and lets the men regale her with a step-by-step breakdown of everything that happened from the time they started tracking her flight in Luke's X-Wing to the moment they knew they'd won the battle.

Finn talks at length about how fearless Poe had been even in the face of defeat, Poe tells Rey about Finn's brilliant idea for a ground attack. She listens as they debate minor details — which ship showed up when, if Rose went left or if she went right and Jannah went left, exactly how large that final explosion was — and she feels, not for the first time, incredibly grateful that somehow, _somehow, _they all survived.

She asks a few questions here and there, fills in holes whenever they're not quite sure what happened or how. But for the most part, she just listens and enjoys their presence.

They talk long enough for a small shaft of light to filter in from under the door, until Rey is certain that the sun is shining brightly overhead above all the other, ridiculously fortunate people who lived to see the end of the battle.

They talk and talk and she's fairly certain they would continue talking for the rest of the day, but Maz throws the door open, bringing with her, as Rey suspected, the bright light of early afternoon.

"I have been looking everywhere for you two," she scolds Finn and Poe before turning her attention to Rey, "and _you_ are supposed to be resting."

"I am resting, I haven't left this bed all day," Rey protests.

Maz's disapproving stare is all the motivation Rey needs to make her slide down a little deeper into bed.

"Out, out now," Maz shoos Finn and Poe out of the room, when she notices them making no moves to leave. "If I don't get a chance to check up on her, then she won't get a chance to be cleared and I'll have to keep her here indefinitely."

The thought of even one more night in this small room, isolated from everyone else, not able to see or talk to her friends, or Ben…

"Get out and let me prove to Maz that I am perfectly okay," Rey snaps at Finn and Poe, who are still standing in the doorway.

The two men leave and Maz sets to work checking Rey's temperature, examining her vital signs.

"I am perfectly okay, yes?" Rey asks after several silent seconds.

"You seem to be," Maz says.

"Then why did I collapse yesterday?"

"You were up for almost forty-eight hours with no sleep, no food, you fought in a battle, and — as I understand it — died, came back to life, _and_ brought someone else back to life. It's a wonder you didn't collapse sooner."

"So I was just tired? Doesn't this seem like a bit of an overreaction then?"

"It does," Maz finally stops her ministrations to look Rey in the eye. "But I wanted to make sure it was just exhaustion and nothing to do with your connection to Ben Solo. Considering the fact that you're already awake—"

"How is he?" Rey can feel her heart pounding in her chest. She'd been doing such a good job of not worrying all morning, but just hearing his name is enough to bring it all back.

"We already set his leg and you are _not_ going to heal it for him until your strength is all the way back up."

Rey pushes herself up and peels off the layers of blankets that have been shrouding her.

"Where is he?"

"The other private room, but— sit back down!"

Rey stands, clutching the side of the bed, all of her muscles shaking, for another second in what she hopes is a show of reluctance. In truth, she would have sat down without being told — she didn't realize how much energy she would expend just by jumping out of bed.

She lowers herself back down with false hesitancy but genuine frustration.

"There's no point tiring yourself out to go see someone who's still comatose."

"He hasn't woken up yet?"

It's an odd mix of sensations that Rey is feeling. On one hand, her heart has dropped all the way down to her stomach at the news that he's still out. But on the other hand, the tight knot that her stomach had tied itself into at the sound of his name is loosening.

Rey's not sure what face she's making, but it must be concerning enough for Maz to take a step toward her and inject a little more care into her typically matter-of-fact way of speaking.

"Aside from the injuries, he seems to be fine too. Finn told me the abbreviated version of what happened to you out there. It seems like Ben sustained deeper injuries than you did, but there's nothing to be worried about yet."

"He shouldn't have to be alone," Rey swallows the lump in her throat.

"Chewbacca hasn't left his side. And I've been checking on him regularly."

"You'll tell me when he wakes up?"

"I have a feeling you'll already know."

Rey takes a deep breath, and it feels just as good as that first deep breath did hours and hours ago. Perhaps the mere ability to breathe will never seem like less than a miracle to her for the rest of her life, she thinks.

She takes another deep breath just because she can, letting it out on a slow exhale and marveling at the way her heart rate slows when she does it.

Maz watches, and it strikes Rey that perhaps Maz also thinks it's a miracle she's still breathing.

"Get some more rest. I'd like to keep you here one more night, but you're free to walk around the base whenever you feel up to it."

Maz makes her way back to the door, then stops and turns to look at Rey one more time, the faintest hint of a smile ghosting across her face.

"You're not the only one who's glad to have him here," Maz says softly. "I was there, with Leia when she left this world. And I do believe she did it, trusting that there would be people who were glad that her son has finally returned home."


	5. Chapter 5

CHAPTER FIVE

She had never thought a shower could feel so good until one hour ago. Washing off the grime and dirt and crusted-over blood that had been covering her like a second skin was a near-rapturous experience. It didn't matter that the water was cold, or that her muscles shook from the effort of keeping herself upright with no support, or that the myriad tiny lacerations all over her body stung when she cleaned them. No, all that had mattered to her, standing in that tiny shower, was that she was standing in a shower at all.

The only thing that could have made it better was if she'd felt that connection snap back into place. If she'd had some sign that Ben was awake and functioning, even if she couldn't physically see him yet, then that last shred of worry coiling in her stomach could finally loosen.

Still, she's grateful just to have clean skin and fresh clothes as she walks through the woods of Ajan Kloss with Finn and Poe.

Several yards away, in the main clearing the base has used as their central gathering area for so many months, the mood is restless. The celebrations of yesterday seem to have died down — now everyone seems to be caught between mourning the dead and trying to figure out what exactly comes next. Rey could feel it rolling off of all of them, the joy, the misery, the confusion, the relief. It was too much all at once.

And so, she and her friends are strolling through the trees instead. Near enough that they can hear if anyone needs them, but far enough away that they're afforded some semblance of privacy on the crowded base.

She's heard, by now, all about the way so many reinforcements appeared seemingly out of nowhere, how right when they thought all was lost, hundreds of people from every edge of the galaxy showed up. And despite the losses they suffered, there are still hundreds of new people here — some displaced, some homeless, some simply looking to continue helping. A year ago, when there were so few Resistance members left that they all fit in the Falcon, she never would have guessed that someday their numbers would be so large there would barely be enough room for all of them on one base.

Then again, there are a lot of things she never would have guessed a year ago.

"Where are they all sleeping?" Rey asks as she watches a group of people she's never seen before walk past.

"People with bigger ships have basically converted them into barracks. You should see the Falcon. You can barely walk through the halls without stepping on somebody," Poe says.

"Good," she smiles. "I'd hate to think anyone had been forced to sleep in the dirt."

Before she can say anything else, a familiar voice rings out.

"Rey!" Rose shouts. A second later, she's bounding towards them, her small form hurtling through the trees and into Rey's outstretched arms.

"I can't believe you're actually okay!" Rose exclaims as she crushes Rey to her.

"Mostly okay," Rey chokes out, most of the air in her lungs gone.

Rose loosens her hold just enough for Rey to catch her breath.

"And I can't believe you two kept her away from me for so long," Rose scolds.

"It was less than one day," Poe says at the same time that Finn mumbles out a "we weren't even allowed to see her until this morning."

Rose finally breaks the hug, and for a brief moment, Rey thinks that this is one of the few reunions she's had and is still bound to have that won't be tinged with angst.

And then Rose's smile falters and that brief moment ends.

"I heard about everything," Rose is quieter now. "How much of it was true?"

She doesn't need to say more than that for Rey to understand the question underneath the question.

"It's true," she sighs. "All of it."

Rose shuts her eyes and takes a deep breath.

"Rey," is all she says when she finally exhales.

It's difficult for Rey to fight against the defensiveness she immediately feels at the ton of Rose's voice. She doesn't like feeling this way — chastised, like a child, like she's done something wrong, which she _hasn't_ — but she knew, didn't she? She knew she'd have to explain herself more than once. That she'd have to answer to more than Finn and Poe. She'd already been luckier than she'd expected to be, having Chewie and Maz understand.

Why should she expect anyone else to take it quite so well.

"He killed people, Rey."

"I've killed people."

"Innocent people. There's probably not a soul on this base who didn't lose someone because of him."

It's the disappointment in Rose's voice that cuts Rey deeper than anything else. She had been prepared for frustration or incredulity or even anger, but she was not prepared at all for that unmistakeable, melancholy tinge of disappointment.

"I know that," Rey says, trying not to notice the way Rose seems to have subconsciously clutched at the pendant that always hangs around her neck. "Trust me, I know. But there's also not a soul on this base who would still be alive now if it wasn't for him."

"I can't— I won't be his friend, if that's what you're hoping for. I'm not even going to promise that I'll speak to him."

"I understand," Rey says. And it's true — she does understand. She has to understand.

"It's going to get out, you know. There's already talk, a few rumors. But for the most part, since you haven't made any kind of statement, no one really knows what happened."

"I guess I'll have to think about what I'm going to say."

"I think everyone will want to hear from you. Before they start to draw their own conclusions."

She knows Rose is not ready to accept having Ben here. She knows Rose may _never_ accept his presence. But the fact that she's already offering — advice? A warning? Both, perhaps? — is enough for Rey.

"And that goes for you, too, General," Rose says, shifting her gaze from Rey to Poe right behind her. "We need a game plan moving forward."

"I'll call for a meeting day after tomorrow, I swear," Poe groans. "Really should've thought of that."

"Why wait?" Rey asks. "If there's more to be done then shouldn't we be getting started as quickly as possible?"

Despite the fact that her legs are gently shaking from the effort of standing for so long, despite the fact that she's been in life-threatening danger more times than she can count over the past few years, despite every rational part of her brain telling her that she should take it slow, take a break… there's an uncontrollable fire still burning somewhere deep inside her. Some part of her that instinctually wants to run, to fight, to _do something_.

If there's even one member of the First Order out there who needs to be brought to justice, any group of sympathizers or would-be killers hiding, plotting an attack, still posing a threat to her and her friends… her hand practically aches to hold a lightsaber in it once again.

"Tomorrow's supposed to be a big ceremonial day," Finn replies.

"For what?"

"Funerals, a memorial for Leia — everything was so hectic before we managed to track you and since we've gotten back there hasn't really been time… and a thing for us," Poe says, hesitating at the third item on his list.

"Us?" Rey asks.

"It's to honor us. As war heroes."

How Poe manages to keep a straight face as he's saying that, she has no idea.

"Please tell me you didn't plan this yourself." The prospect of standing in front of a crowd to receive a medal is already horribly embarrassing to her, and it hasn't even happened yet.

"No, no, it was Lando and Maz," Poe says. "They insisted, said something about the good ol' days. But they promised it would be quick."

"We took down an entire government, we can handle a few minutes of a ceremony," Finn reasons.

"I guess that's what I'll have to tell myself," Rey sighs.

* * *

The sun is swiftly sinking past the horizon as Rey sits around a fire, eating a small dinner with her friends.

Their little spot in the woods had not turned out to be quite as remote as Rey had imagined — less than an hour after Rose found them, Kaydel and Jannah had as well. They hadn't had any news Rey hadn't already been told, aside from reports on a generator that blew a fuse and how several of the Resistance's newest members had been asking if they could finally meet the young Jedi who defeated Palpatine.

It's the blown fuse that finally coaxed Rey out of her not-so-secluded spot (despite Rose's insistence that she could fix it on her own and Rey should just rest), and the reason she's now here in the main clearing with everyone else.

She's shaken at least a hundred hands, learned and forgotten at least fifty new names, heard a recap of "The Battle of Exegol" as they're all calling it from at least a dozen different perspectives.

No one would hold it against her if this was all too much at once. If she drifted back to a quieter place, avoided all the the people, the names, the stories, just for one more day…

But it's not too much for her. In fact, she finds that she wouldn't mind shaking a hundred more hands and hearing a hundred more voices. Because it's just so incredible that she gets to meet any of them at all.

She'd gotten so used to being alone, had spent so many years with no company but her own, it doesn't matter, she decides, if she's still physically exhausted, or if she can't quite remember which planet the kind woman sitting next to her is from. She has a family, a _giant_ family and that itself is something she never dreamed of for herself, much less all the rest of what her life has become.

The last of the sunlight has faded, and the fire crackles against the night sky, illuminating the faces of her friends. She watches as Kaydel whispers something to Rose and Jannah, sending all three of them into a fit of giggles. It's odd to see them so carefree — and she never imagined she'd see any of them giggling — but it's a sight she could easily get used to. Their work isn't done — she knows that — it's likely going to be months of dealing with the last of the First Order, the loyalists, the power hungry individuals she's sure will rise up and try to take advantage of all this unrest, and then even when that's over there will be the politics and the government and the fact that if they're not careful a new evil could easily take the place of the vanquished one.

"Hey," Finn bumps her shoulder with his. "Still with us?"

Rey snaps out of her reverie, realizing she's been staring blankly at the fire for a little longer than is normal.

"I'm here," she smiles as she bumps his shoulder in response.

The times will surely be hard, but at least she has her friends, several of her mentors, all the people she's fought beside and fought for and—

_Ben_.

The connection snaps into place in an instant and it's so jarring she nearly drops her bowl. In fact, if her reflexes were just a percent duller, her feet would certainly be covered in stew right now.

He's awake. He's conscious enough, _strong_ enough to send just a whisper to her through their bond.

"Whoa, hey," Poe leans across Finn to look at Rey. "That's one of my favorite bowls."

"You've said that about, like, seven different bowls," Finn retorts.

"Rey?" Poe asks when she doesn't respond.

She knows she should say something, but she can't seem to make herself form the words. She's too overcome by relief, tension she thought she'd already lost dropping out of her second by second.

He's awake, he's alive, their Force bond still exists. She'd hadn't even realized she was worried it might not until this moment, now that she's feeling it again.

"Rey? Hellooo…"

"He must be awake," Finn whispers.

Rey nods, grateful that Finn has always been able to read her so well.

"The magic mind connection?" Poe asks.

"I should—" Rey half stands, bowl still in hand before sitting back down. "I should probably go—"

She puts the bowl down, then moves to stand back up before Finn puts a hand on her shoulder.

"I'm sure he'll understand if you finish your meal first," he says.

"I know he'd understand. I'm not going because he wants me to, I'm going because _I_ want to," Rey replies.

She looks around the base. Everyone is involved in their own conversations, no one would notice if she slipped away, it wouldn't be odd for them not to see her again until tomorrow…

"I'm really trying to get it," Poe huffs. "I know you say he helped. I know you say he's on our side. But not everyone is going to see it that way."

"I know."

"Hell, it's hard for me to see it that way. And look at you, trying to sneak off so you can talk to him without anyone noticing, because even telling everyone he's here might be dangerous if it's not done properly. And for your sake, Rey, I'm doing my best to do it properly. For your sake, not his."

"Once everyone knows, I won't have to sneak around will I?"

"In theory no…" Poe scratches his head and Rey can see him trying to gather his thoughts. "But I guess what I'm saying is, is this all really worth it? All the trouble you're going to put yourself through just _trying_ to defend your… what even _is_ he to you exactly?"

It's not a question she was expecting, although now that she thinks about it, it's a question she absolutely should have been prepared for.

Ben's been so many different things to her over the years — boogeyman, enemy, arch-nemesis, potential friend, ally, but now…

Now Rey realizes she has no idea how to refer to Ben. Companion is too casual, Soulmate, though probably true, would sound a touch dramatic spoken out loud. If she'd thought ahead, she would have talked this over with him while she could, before she'd have to identify exactly what their relationship is to other people.

They belong to each other, she's sure of that much. And he'll understand whatever she chooses to say — whether or not he agrees with it is a wholly different issue. So really, she should have no fear in choosing a label. There are no wrong answers. Nothing is set in stone.

"He's my equal," is what she finally settles on. "He is my match in every way. My balance. We are whole people on our own, but combined we form two halves of a new whole. And perhaps we always have."

"So… he's your soulmate."

"I thought that would sound too dramatic."

"Did you hear what you said instead?"

Rey shakes her head, hoping it's dark enough out to mask the flush she feels building in her cheeks.

"I'll see you all soon," she says, giving Finn and Poe each a final shoulder squeeze before she slips away from the dimming light of the fire.


	6. Chapter 6

CHAPTER SIX

It's a short walk from the main clearing to the private room she knows Ben is being kept in, but time seems to move exponentially slower with every step she takes.

A little over a day is not so long to go without seeing someone. She has no reason to be this eager to see him right this minute, especially when he could very well have fallen back asleep by the time she actually reaches him.

She has no reason for her heart to be pounding, no reason to be thinking so deeply about what she might say to him, what state he might be in when she finally slings open the door. She has no reason, except for the fact that it's not just "someone" she's going to see. It's him.

The door feels a little bit heavier than it actually is — one of the few remaining indications that she's not back to full health yet — but she still manages to heave it open and step inside.

"You came."

Just the sound of his voice feels as refreshing and exhilarating and _good_ to her heart as the shower felt to her body earlier today. It fills up some space in her that she hadn't even known existed until now.

A few florescent lights keep the room unnaturally bright compared to the growing darkness outside. He's half propped up on a bed that's dangerously close to being too small for him, his hair is messy and sleep-rumpled, he's hooked up to several more machines than she was — including something that's keeping one of his legs entirely from view — and his face is set in a stoic, if not a little pained, expression. But he's here, and alive, and she can hear the smile in his voice even if it hasn't quite reached his mouth.

"Of course I did," she says.

_Overwhelming relief. Joy. Gratitude. _

She feels all of it rush through their bond. And it's tinged with something else… something like… guilt?

"I didn't mean to pull you away from your friends," he murmurs, and the guilt pulses more strongly through the bond.

"If I hadn't wanted to be here, I wouldn't," she says simply.

She can both see and feel him relax by just a fraction.

It's still so new, to be this close to him with neither of them brandishing a weapon or trying to figure out what their next move should be. With all those distractions, she'd never noticed just how strong their connection is. Or perhaps it's strengthened itself and is getting stronger still.

She takes a few more steps into the room and lets the steel door click closed behind her.

"How are you feeling?" She looks around, trying to find a place to sit among the several medical apparatuses filling the room.

It's either the floor or the edge of his bed, and while she doesn't relish the idea of sitting on the floor, she's genuinely not sure if there's any room for her to even perch on the edge of the bed.

"I can't say this is the best I've ever felt. Physically, at least."

She looks around again. It's not as if a chair will magically appear, but she still kind of hopes one does somehow. Just as she's about to settle for the floor, Ben grips the edges of his bed and pulls himself a little to the side. His injured leg seems completely immobilized, but the rest of him moves enough to leave a sliver of space on the mattress open.

"You don't have to," she says.

"I know." He gingerly reaches an arm out.

Rey notes the wince that flashes across his face before he schools his expression back to something more neutral so quickly it seems like second nature to him. Because it probably _is _like second nature to him. How long has he been doing that, she wonders. How long has he been policing his own face, refusing to show even a moment of pain?

Long enough, she guesses, that he seems to do it subconsciously, even now, even here, where there's absolutely no threat of danger, no one watching for a sign of weakness.

"Are you sure?" she asks.

He nods, arm still outstretched, eyes softening. Her mind flashes to another time when they'd been alone in a room together, about this far apart, with his hand reaching for hers. She hadn't been able to take it that time, but there's nothing stopping her now.

She takes the few steps needed to close the gap between them and laces her fingers between his.

He sighs so quietly she halfway thinks she imagined it.

Rey sits down, more than a little pleased to see that there's just enough space for her to sit as long as she stays pressed closely to his side, their joined hands resting between them.

"Did you have a good day?" Ben asks. "Maz told me you were well enough to be up and about."

"She was supposed to let me know when you were awake," Rey frowns.

"It's probably good she didn't. I was in and out of consciousness for a while. If you'd come here, you would have just found me passed out, most likely."

Well, that would explain why she hadn't felt the Force bond all day.

"I got to catch up with everybody, meet some new members," she says. "It was tiring but good. How's your leg?"

"Several broken bones, torn ligaments, walking on it for so long didn't do me any favors, but we didn't have any other choice," Ben frowns.

Rey instinctually reaches for the leg in question before pulling her hand back — if it's in that bad of shape, surely he wouldn't want anyone to touch it.

"You'll be okay though?"

"I should be," Ben hesitates. "Although — and I'm pretty sure she didn't mean it — but Maz did very briefly threaten that if I do any more damage to it, they'll have to chop it off."

"What? That— that would horrible."

"I don't know. I spent so many years wanting to be like my grandfather, maybe losing a limb would serve me right."

She looks up, about to chastise him for saying such a terrible thing about himself… and then she notices the slight upward curve of his mouth.

A smiling — joking? — Ben Solo is certainly something she could get used to.

"Don't worry," he continues. "Other than the stitches and bone setting and threats, my day hasn't been the worst."

"You weren't too bored? For the parts of it you were awake for."

"Not at all. Chewbacca kept me company."

"That's nice."

There's a pause, and his grip on her hand tightens a little, and the emotion in his voice is apparent when he finally speaks.

"It was."

She returns the pressure on her hand with a squeeze of her own and cranes her neck to look up at him, both startled and entirely unsurprised at the wetness in his eyes.

Rey leans her head on his shoulder, careful not to put too much of her weight into it as Ben takes one steadying breath then another.

"Are you sure you have enough room with me here?"

Ben nods his response.

"I promise you I'm more okay than all of this makes it seem," he says.

She'd been too overwhelmed with just the sight of him to even notice until now that his torn, black tunic is gone. It's been replaced by a new shirt — soft, cotton, cream-colored.

Rey lifts her head and looks up at him.

"You look nice in this," she says. "I've never seen you in anything but all black ensembles."

He's even paler than usual so it's impossible to miss the pink tinge that blooms on his cheeks.

"My fashion sense has always been limited."

As quickly as it appeared, the brightness in his eyes fades and is replaced with a furrowed brow as his lips press together in a thin line.

"What is it?" She tightens her grip on his hand at the same moment he lets out a huff.

"Most people still don't know I'm here, do they? I saw the way Maz and the medics were slipping in, like they didn't want to be noticed."

She won't lie to him. She's already promised herself that much. So she opts to say only as much as she needs to.

"Some people know you're here, but not everyone, not yet."

"When will they?"

"There's been a conversation," she says carefully, "about telling people in a couple of days. During a meeting."

"A meeting?"

"Yes."

"With everyone on the base?"

She nods, refusing to break eye contact. She can see him looking deeper, groping through the bond for the meaning behind her words. But it would do no good for him to feel the nerves and uncertainty that she feels about what tomorrow might hold.

"A meeting, with the entire Resistance, about me."

"Well there's more items on the list to discuss than _just _you—"

"A trial."

"Don't be dramatic."

"You're worried it's a trial."

She takes a breath. The fluorescent lights wash out some of the color of his eyes, making them seem more dark and uniform in their shade of brown. But she can still see the depth behind them, can still see the fear right underneath the carefully crafted stoicism he's struggling to keep a hold on.

Well, she's promised herself she won't lie to him.

"Yes," she sighs, "I am worried. But I shouldn't be, because it all will be okay."

"And if it's not? If they truly don't want me here?"

"Then I'll hold another trial, or non-trial. I'll hold as many of these meetings as I need for them to see sense."

She can feel that prickling sting behind her eyes a second before she feels Ben's thumb gently stroking the back of her hand.

It's ridiculous, she thinks, for him to be the one comforting her, when he's the one who's still injured, the one who's going to be on trial—

No, it's not a trial and she won't let herself think of it that way.

"Rey," Ben says. She can hear the effort it's taking for him to keep his voice even. "They're well within their rights to tell me to leave. To be honest, they're well within their rights to do much worse than that. If they don't want me here, I can't stay. I can't inflict any more pain than I already have on these people."

The stinging in her eyes gets worse and despite her attempts at blinking rapidly and looking up at the ceiling and scrunching her eyes shut when the other two techniques don't work, tears trickle down her face.

How could he possibly think leaving is an option when they've gone through so much, survived against every odd, just to get here? When they're finally starting to understand the true depth of this connection they have?

"I'm not planning on leaving," he murmurs into the top of her head. "Trust me, I'm not. You say they'll forgive me, I believe you. You know them far better than I do. But I'm just saying, on the off-chance they don't… it wouldn't really scream 'I'm reformed, and I respect you all' if I forced my presence on everybody."

He has a point, she knows he does, but even entertaining the thought of him disappearing again is too much to handle right now.

She feels him press a kiss to the top of her head before he continues speaking.

"We'll just have to do a very good job of convincing everyone, that's all."

"We?" She wipes at her face with her free hand and twists a little so she can look up at him again.

"Yes. You and me. We."

"No, no. I will."

"It's my trial—"

"It's _not_ a trial—"

"It's my not-a-trial," he rolls his eyes, "I have to be there."

"You're still bedridden."

"I'm sure I could walk if I wanted to," he says, less than convincingly.

"Maz threatened to cut off your leg."

"I could manage for a few minutes."

"Could you?"

His hesitation is all the answer she needs.

"You will stay here and rest." She tries to put as much authority as she can behind her voice without outright using the Force to command him to listen to her. "You will get better and I will speak on your behalf."

He huffs, and Rey is certain a pout is forming on his lips. It's such a childish look on him, so at odds with his broad frame and large features and manly hands, one of which is still brushing rhythmically against hers.

"I'm going to have to speak for myself eventually."

"I know. And you'll have plenty of time for that. _After_ the meeting."

She can finally see the faintest hint of a smile returning to his lips. She doesn't think she'll ever get tired of seeing that.

He unlaces their fingers and moves his arm to wrap around her shoulders, pulling her even closer to him. She nuzzles a little into his chest and can feel heat emanating even through the heavy cloth. He's so warm, so much warmer than he was when they made their way out of Exegol, warmer even than he felt during the flight on the X-Wing.

Rey thinks absently that she probably wouldn't even need a blanket if she were to ever sleep in the same bed as him.

She's not even sure where that thought came from but she can already feel a slight flush in her cheeks. She's not the type to blush easily, but even lying here innocently, so close to him, alone and _safe_ for once, is a more intimate situation than she's ever been in with… anyone.

"Am I going to get to meet your friends soon?" he asks, breaking her out of her reverie.

"I hope so. It would be nice for you all to be able to chat now that you aren't trying to murder each other."

She feels Ben tense underneath her for a second, but then he lets out a breath and squeezes her a little tighter.

"Tell me some more about them? I want to make sure I know who's who," he says.

So Rey does. She tells him about Finn and Poe and Rose and Kaydel and Jannah. She tells him about all the times they've looked out for each other, all the ways they've helped each other over the years. There isn't time to go over everything — she'd need hours, days, weeks maybe, to do that — but she tells him enough to give him a good idea of who they all are to each other.

Somewhere in the middle of it all, she finds herself lying on her side facing Ben, who's twisted his torso in what she hopes isn't an uncomfortable position to face her.

She tells him about Finn's newfound Force sensitivity as Ben carefully traces little circles on her shoulder.

She tells him about what good care they're taking of all the new Resistance members as he moves his hand from her shoulder to the nape of her neck and massages gently there.

And then she runs out of things to tell him because he's moved that hand again, but now it's brushing against her cheekbone with the backs of his fingers and he's looking at her so softly, she's forgotten how to form words.

"I'm still listening," he encourages when she doesn't say anything for several long seconds. "I just… like looking at you. Sorry."

"What are you sorry for?"

"I don't know."

And then neither one of them are talking, they're too wrapped up in each other for that.

Rey isn't sure if she initiated it or if he did this time, but it really doesn't matter. Their lips are on each other and his hand is on her back and one of her hands is in his hair and she can feel that he's being careful, can sense that he's giving her room to pull back, but she doesn't.

She's not even sure when this shift in the way she feels for Ben came — maybe it was on the cold ground of Exegol, maybe in that hut sitting across from each other by the fire in Ahch-To, maybe some time in between all of that — but it came nonetheless, and she's glad it did. This is all uncharted territory for her, unfamiliar in every aspect. But it's a comfort to sense the same nerves, the same tentative excitement, that she's feeling echo through the bond from him as well.

She opens her mouth and that's all the invitation he needs to deepen the kiss and slide his tongue against hers. She can feel his hand sliding up and down her back, ghosting across her ribs, moving to her waist. She can feel his hair tangled in her fingers, just as soft as it's always looked, even after everything he's been through. And she can feel warmth, all the heat exuding from his body, amplified now that they're so close, but it's not just him — she feels warmer than usual as well…

Rey loses track of time. At some point he moves his mouth to her cheek, then her jaw, then her neck. And then that becomes a pattern all of its own — _mouth, cheek, jaw, neck, mouth cheek_ —

She has no idea how much time has passed when she finally feels Ben stifle a yawn against her neck.

"Bored?" she teases.

"Anything but," Ben grins, looking up at her. He tries and fails to fight back another yawn, and that's when Rey notices the dark circles under his eyes.

"You need to rest," she says as she strokes a stray lock of hair out of his face. "Go to sleep."

"I don't want to say goodnight to you yet," he murmurs against her jaw.

Rey hesitates. Truth be told, she's not ready to say goodnight yet either. But it would be selfish of her to keep him up when he so clearly is exhausted.

"I could… stay here?" she offers.

"No," Ben says, and both the swiftness and finality of his response hit her like a sharp punch to the chest.

"Wait, no, I only meant—" he continues, and if the look of panic in his eyes is any indication, she must look as deflated as she feels, "I only meant… I don't sleep well. I haven't slept well in years. It's fitful and would be unpleasant for you and I don't—"

"Okay, it's okay," she brushes his hair back again. "I'll see you in the morning. It's been a long day for me too."

He lands one final peck on her lips before she pulls away and finds her footing back on the floor.

"Goodnight," Rey says once she reaches the door.

"'Night," he replies drowsily.

She turns to look at him one last time until tomorrow.

"And just so you know, no matter what happens tomorrow, I'm not giving up on you, Ben Solo."

There's that smile again — careful, soft, sleepier now than it was before — and Rey holds on to that image in her mind as she makes the very short trek from his room to her own little bed.

She turns off all the lights and tucks herself in, finally noticing the way all her muscles are shaking and her joints are aching. But it doesn't bother her — she's better than she was yesterday and tomorrow she will be better than she is today.

Then, after she's rolled over eat least three times trying to find a comfortable sleeping position, the bond clicks into place yet again.

The connection isn't strong enough for her to see him — they're both too tired for that — but it is enough to hear him. His voice is like a whisper in her ear.

"Maybe… we could talk until we fall asleep?"

"I'd like that," she replies.

And that's exactly what they do, although technically, it's Rey doing most of the talking. She rambles on about her life on Jakku, answering his questions about how she survived on her own for so long, skimming over the more painful parts, describing her tiny little home.

She's not sure how long she talks for, but eventually she feels a slight breeze, which —considering the rest of the air in the room is still — can only be a product of the Force.

The little breeze brushes past her face and pushes a tendril of her hair back. And then the connection goes quiet and Rey knows he must be asleep.

No, she thinks as she closes her eyes, there's no way she's giving up on Ben Solo.


	7. Chapter 7

CHAPTER SEVEN

It couldn't possibly be that far past sunrise when a loud bang on the door startles Rey out of her sleep.

"Rise and shine!" Poe calls through the door.

Rey groans and rolls over. Maybe if she doesn't respond he'll go away, just for a few more minutes, just a little longer to put off the ceremony she's already dreading today…

But the banging just gets more aggressive. And far too rapid for one person to be doing on their own.

"C'mon, Rey," Finn calls.

Of course. Both of them are out there together. Of course they are.

She peels herself away from her very warm bed — though not quite as warm as Ben's chest was, her sleep-addled brain jumps to remind her — and she winces a little when the cold steel of the floor meets her bare feet.

It's not nearly as hard to get around this morning as it was yesterday. She'll be back to running her training course in no time at this rate. Just the thought of getting back to being a productive member of the Resistance is enough to cheer her up.

She opens the door to find Finn and Poe already dressed and far too alert for the early hour — and it is, in fact, an early hour, as evidenced by the lavender and periwinkle sky behind them.

"None of the ceremonies are supposed to start for hours," she croaks out.

"Ah, come on. Isn't it supposed to be the way of the Jedi or something like that to be awake and alert all the time?" Poe asks as he pushes past her and walks into the room.

"A little advance notice would be nice," Rey grumbles and steps aside for Finn to make his way into the room as well.

"Do you need these?" Poe holds up the half-shredded rags that were the clothes she wore on Exegol.

"I guess it's all too torn to wear again," Rey sighs.

"Great. Putting them in the Museum of Heroes I'm breaking ground on today in honor of us all," Poe winks, and Rey really isn't sure if he's serious or not.

"He's kidding." Finn tosses a half-hearted glare Poe's direction and then turns back to Rey. "We're here to break you out."

"I didn't realize I was a prisoner."

"Sorry. Force of habit," he corrects himself. "The medics said you're fine so you don't have to stay here."

"Oh," Rey recognizes but can't quite explain the way her heart drops at that. "Good. That's good news."

"Finn also had another reason for wanting to come so early," Poe adds, a glint in his eye.

"I uh—"

Poe squeezes Finn's shoulder encouragingly.

"I was wondering if you could take me out to your training course."

"Right now?"

"Just to maybe… go over the basics?"

She'd considered this as a possibility, that Finn might want to learn how to use the Force. And it was an exciting possibility — it still is — but the sudden realization that she'll have to be the one to teach him is… daunting.

Logically she supposes she must have known that she would have to be the one — she is, as far as she knows, the last Jedi alive.

_No_, her brain corrects her, _there's another. _

Although now that she thinks about it, she's not entirely sure if she can classify Ben as a Jedi. He didn't complete his training — neither did she, to be fair — so maybe they're both not quite—

"Well?" Finn's voice cuts off her rambling train of thought.

"That training course is _not_ the basics." She can sense Finn's disappointment at her words before she continues, "But I can walk you through it. Show you what you're in for eventually."

"Okay," he beams, "great!"

"I'm coming too," Poe says, already heading for the door.

"You don't have to," Rey says.

"Oh, I know. I just want to get a start on droid-proofing it for all your future outings. BB's still a little cautious around trees."

* * *

It's not hard to tell what they're trying to do. It's going to be a long, stressful day where she'll be very public for much of it, followed by another long, stressful day where she'll finally have to tell the whole base about Ben. And then the days after that… who knows?

There's a good chance this is the only free, uninterrupted time she'll have for a while.

So it's thoughtful of them to take her to a place that's exclusively hers. To remind her that this place exists, that peace exists.

She feels completely fine, she _could_ run the whole course if she wanted to, but although she has energy now, she's not certain how much she'll have by the end of the day.

So instead, she settles for walking through most of it with Finn and Poe, explaining the purpose of each part, describing the type of skill each section requires.

"Ah, so this is where you let my droid get bludgeoned," Poe murmurs as they pass the fallen tree that hit BB-8 what feels like a million years ago.

"We'll have to clear that out of the way next time we come here," Rey gestures to the tree and shoots Poe a dirty look for good measure. "And he wasn't _bludgeoned_."

"He's always so dramatic," Finn whispers conspiratorially to her.

"You love it," Poe shoots back.

She can't quite place the look on Finn's face, but she recognizes it, _senses_ the emotion beneath it. She's not attuned to Finn's feelings with the same clarity or depth that she is to Ben's, but she can still sense it — the hesitancy and the affection that goes deeper than friendship.

She also recognizes the tenderness in his voice when he mumbles, "Yeah, I do."

After the sky has shifted from the gold-tinged pinks and purples of dawn to a clear bright blue, after Rey, Finn, and Poe have returned from the training course, and after they've gone to their respective quarters to change into clean clothes for the day, Rey feels the bond snap into place.

She turns around from the corner of the room she's facing as she gathers the last of her things, half expecting to see Ben standing right behind her.

He's not there, not really… and yet she can feel his presence despite his not being physically in the room with her.

"I know you don't have time to see me," he says, and Rey can hear it as clearly as if he actually was right in front of her.

"Is everything all right?" she asks, hoping he can't sense her slight anxiety spike.

"Just wanted to hear your voice for a second."

"Oh," is all she manages to reply, and suddenly she's very thankful he can't see her so he can't see the blush she's certain is forming on her face.

"You sound tense."

"It's been a long day and it hasn't even started yet."

Rey feels a bit foolish, talking out loud in an empty room, but she's not sure if she's able to just think things at him or if she has to physically say them, so she errs on the side of caution.

"Let me know if you need anything," she adds as she arranges her hair into something halfway presentable.

"I won't."

"You won't need anything or you won't let me know?"

"I won't need anything," he says and Rey can feel how firmly he means it.

"Well okay," she sighs, "but if you do—"

"How could I when I already have more than I could possibly ask for."

She's not sure if that's an incredibly heartwarming or incredibly sad sentiment, and truthfully, she doesn't have time to figure it out right now. Judging by the noise coming from outside, most of the Resistance has already gathered for today's events.

"I know you have to go," he says, sounding much more steady than she feels.

"I think I do," she huffs.

"If you don't mind, I do have one favor to ask of you."

"Anything." She smiles, forgetting he can't actually see her expressions.

"Don't worry about me today, okay?"

"Ben, I—"

"You have enough going on, and I'll be completely fine just lying here all day. Tomorrow you can feel free to worry about me. In fact you probably _should_ worry about me tomorrow. But for today just… don't. Please."

"Okay."

"Promise?"

"I promise," she says, trying very hard to make it sound like she means it.

But if Ben's sigh right before the connection breaks is anything to go off of, she's not very convincing.

* * *

The ceremony she had dreaded the most was the first of the day and went by blessedly quickly. She, Poe, and Finn had stood on a slightly raised platform as Lando said a few words about their bravery and heroism and, truthfully, Rey can barely remember half of what he said, overwhelmed as she was by the sheer amount of people staring up at her, most of whom she still didn't recognize. It's still staggering to her to see just how many people showed up for the cause.

And that fact in and of itself had made the entire ceremony seem even more ridiculous to her — everything they had achieved was part of a group effort, an impossible feat if not for all the people who had gathered to honor them. If anything, she should have been thanking them, not the other way around.

Before she'd known it, Chewie was helping her off the platform and C-3PO was making his way toward her, showing a considerable amount more recognition of her than he did the last time she saw him.

"Mistress Rey!" he'd exclaimed when he finally reached her, R2 at his side. "It's so good to see you again. As I'm sure you can tell, my memory database has been fully restored."

R2 gave an indignant beep.

"Yes, yes, of course, R2, it was with a considerable amount of help from you," he continued.

"I'm glad," she said honestly, feeling a rush of relief both at the fact that 3PO's sacrifice hadn't been permanent and that she was no longer the center of attention.

"See?" Poe's voice came from behind her as he clapped a hand on her shoulder. "Quick and painless, right?"

"All things considered," she'd replied.

And it had been painless, especially compared to the portion of the day she's now found herself participating in.

The incredible amount of support they received in that final battle also came at an incredible cost — one which Rey hadn't fully processed until this moment, as the names of every person who was not fortunate enough to return to the base are read aloud to the crowd.

She's given up keeping count, settling instead for simply listening and trying not to be overwhelmed by the crush of grief and sadness she feels emanating off of the several hundred people surrounding her.

For a fleeting second, she's jealous of all the people who aren't attuned to the Force… who aren't feeling their own grief reflected back at them in unrelenting crashing waves.

But that brief flash of jealousy gives way to something else — something she'd felt intensely in Ben yesterday, but which belongs only to her now.

Guilt.

She was the one who led them to Exegol, she — however indirectly — had a hand in causing the funeral she's now standing at.

She hadn't even known what she was going to find, when she'd hopped in Luke's X-Wing and flown off to that horrible hidden planet. She hadn't known what she was walking into, had no way of knowing that her friends would survive or that so many people would show up to fight on their side.

She'd had no real plan, hadn't bothered to strategize or think or even consider if there was a safer, smarter way to go about things. She'd just flown, unblinking, straight into danger. And they had followed her.

Maybe it wouldn't be enough to thank them for what they did — maybe she should be asking for their forgiveness.

An arm wraps around her shoulder, squeezes gently, and brings her back to the present.

"I know it's tough," Finn whispers.

"Tough" doesn't begin to cover it, but there's no use, she realizes, in explaining the entire swirl of emotions she's feeling right now as she realizes that no one — not Finn, not Poe or Rose or even Ben — _no one _in the galaxy could possibly understand exactly what it's like to be her, to have been her, facing off against Palpatine while everyone she knew and loved fought and died a short but unreachable distance away.

She had come so close to losing everything, it had all been on her shoulders in those final moments before victory, and no one alive today will ever know exactly how that felt.

That old, creeping feeling of loneliness that's plagued her for so much of her life threatens to return, so she focuses on the arm around her shoulder, on Rose standing on her other side… on all the people who survived, who fought for the same ideals that she did, who proved to her that she will never be alone again.

The sun has passed its peak and is already beginning its slow descent toward the horizon by the time the final names have been read and Poe has assumed his place in front of the crowd.

They've shifted seamlessly into the final ceremony of the day, such as it is.

Surely there were once Alderaanian funereal traditions, but those have been lost to time and war. Leia left no solid instructions on how to proceed with any kind of memorial and a part of Rey suspects she wouldn't have really cared to have one — not if it would detract from important work that needs to be done.

But this is the most important work they could possibly do today, she thinks. Honoring the dead, simply taking a day to breathe and absorb both the weight and the cost of what they've achieved before they move on to their next tasks.

And there will be many, many more tasks, and more battles to face.

_You may be facing quite the battle tomorrow_, her brain reminds her and she forces that anxiety-inducing thought back to the back of her mind where she's been storing it.

Tomorrow's fight is for tomorrow. Today, she reminds herself — yet again — to stay present.

Poe has finished speaking. He's been replaced by Lando who is in the middle of an old story — she's heard it before — about the day he first met Leia, so many years ago.

It's been at least an hour since Rey's moved any more than shifting her weight from one foot to the other and her back has started to ache, but she doesn't dare move a muscle. Not now.

She's too focused on absorbing every word, memorizing everything said about Leia — the princess, the general, her trainer, and the closest thing to a mother she's ever known.

She hangs on every word, not only for her sake, but for Ben's as well.

She searches for their connection, mentally reaching out, but finds nothing on the other end of it. He's either asleep and actively blocking himself from their bond — whether that's for her benefit or his, she's not sure.

There's no burial — Leia became one with the Force and left them no body to bury or burn — so the ceremony effectively ends when Lando finishes speaking and he and Poe place a few lit candles at the edge of the podium, their faint glow an echo of the golden tones of the sunset that is now painted across the sky.

"Dinner?" Poe says as he rejoins the group, looking decidedly less spry than usual.

And the guilt rushes back to her full-force, now compounded with exhaustion and the stress of knowing that _tomorrow_ is that much closer to being here.

"I'll join you all in a bit." Rey tries to keep her face neutral. She's not sure she succeeds. "I haven't checked on my little section of the cave in days. Just want to make sure all my things are in order."

She knows it's a lame excuse even as it comes out of her mouth, and it's clear that none of them believe her, but they let her go with a nod and a promise to bring her food if she doesn't join them within the hour.

The Tantive IV was destroyed in battle, and now that it's gone, the limestone cave that used to house it along with the command center and what Rey's come to think of as her personal research section feels immense.

Clearly people have been using the space as a place to sleep and store some of their things — the cave has a distinct lived-in quality to it now that it didn't quite have before. Her little corner, however, has remained untouched. Rey had suspected as much.

The ancient Jedi texts she spent so long poring over are still in their neat stacks, her tiny cot is still against the wall, a single pillow sitting atop one end.

Everything here feels comfortable, safe, familiar... more like being home than her little dwelling in Jakku ever did.

It should be a relief to finally feel like she has somewhere she belongs, but the guilt just won't stop coming today, it seems.

She can't help but look at the evidence of so many displaced people, can't help but think back to all the names that were read out loud just this afternoon. All the people who will never be able to return home, all the people who don't have a home to return to.

And this is neither the end nor the beginning of it. She's left behind a trail of death and destruction everywhere she's gone ever since she left Jakku. And — considering there will certainly be more fighting left to do — she's sure she'll leave behind more in the coming weeks and months.

She knows deep down that none of this is explicitly her fault. This is a war. People die in wars, planets are destroyed. That's an unavoidable fact. She _knows_ it's not her fault.

But she can't help but feel like it is.

And wouldn't that make sense, for hers to be a legacy of death? Her lineage would suggest it. She knows the history, knows how much havoc her grandfather wreaked on the galaxy… what if in trying to right his wrongs, she's created her own? What if she has, if nothing else, inherited the capacity for such things? Rey's mind flashes back to the lightning that came so easily from her hands. It hasn't happened in days, but then again she hasn't tried it to see if it still can…

"Hey."

Finn's voice snaps Rey out of the dark and useless path her thoughts had been going down. She looks up, realizing she's been staring blankly at a spot on the floor for who knows how long.

Clearly the distress she's in is written on her face, judging by the way Finn is looking at her, a bowl of something that's still steaming in his hands as he studies her face.

"You never came for dinner so…"

"Thanks." She takes the bowl the second he holds it out to her.

Rey keeps her eyes fixed on the latest compilation of meat and vegetables that's been put together, but she can feel Finn watching her for several long seconds of silence.

"Do you wanna talk about it?" Finn asks finally.

"Not really," Rey sighs. "I'm not sure there's even anything to really talk about."

"You're upset." He doesn't say it like it's a question.

Rey nods, finally meeting his eyes.

"Look, Rey," he crouches down to meet her at eye level. "I know how stressed you must be with the whole… thing… tomorrow, but—"

"It's not that," she shakes her head. "Well, I mean, it_ is_ that too, but it's just… never mind. It's nothing, really. I'm being silly."

Rey turns back to her food and Finn hesitates for a moment before standing back up.

"If you're sure," he says.

"I am. Really." She can't manage more than a tight-lipped smile that she knows couldn't possibly look very genuine.

Finn nods slowly and right when Rey thinks he's about to turn away and leave her he sighs and opens his mouth once more.

"I know you like being self-sufficient and I know you're good at it, but we — me, Poe, Rose, all of us — we all want you to feel like you can rely on us. I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but just know that you don't do us any favors by shutting us out. We want to be there to help you, whatever it is. Always have, always will."

"Thank you," she says. And she hopes he can feel how much she truly means it.

Finn doesn't stick around for much longer. After wishing her a good night and imploring her to get some rest, he heads back outside to the Falcon or wherever he and Poe are sleeping, Rey presumes.

As the night goes on, more and more people fill the cave, settling into their makeshift camps and going to sleep. But, despite her best efforts, Rey is not among their number.

She watches them — holding a book open in her lap despite the fact that she's clearly not reading it. She tries not to focus on tragedy and pain and the burden of legacies, but on the hope she has for the future, the plans she has for her life, all the places she'll travel to when the war is finally fully over… the people — _person_, specifically — she might do that traveling with.

It's pitch black and silent aside from the staggered breathing and scattered snores of the others sleeping in the cave by the time she reaches out with the Force again.

The bond snaps into place so quickly Rey wonders if he was waiting for it.

"How are you?" she whispers into the darkness, feeling silly for the second time today for talking to thin air.

"Why are you still awake," Ben says in response.

It hasn't even been a day, but just hearing him, knowing for a fact that he's alive and safe and on the same planet as her relieves some of the tension she's been carrying all day.

Will she always feel like this, she wonders, every time she hears his voice?

"I couldn't sleep," she sighs.

"You need rest if you're going to properly defend me at my trial tomorrow."

"It's not a trial."

Rey rolls on her little cot from her back to her side. Ben's voice sounds so close to her that if she shuts her eyes she can almost imagine him next to her.

"How's your leg?" she asks.

"Still attached to the rest of my body."

"We'll count that as a win."

"How was it all today?"

The can hear the subtle shift in his voice, the way the levity in his words has disappeared. It doesn't take a genius to know that there's only one ceremony he's really asking about.

"I wish you could have been there," she says.

"Me too."

"I tried opening the bond. I thought maybe you'd be able to hear."

"I know. I felt you doing it."

"Then why didn't you—"

"Would it make me a coward if I said I just didn't know if I could bear it yet?"

The way his voice shakes as he asks the question is enough to bring tears to her own eyes.

"No, I don't think it does," she whispers. "I can tell you about it some time. When you're ready."

"Assuming I'm still here."

"You will be. Think positively."

"That's still a relatively unfamiliar skill to me," he sighs.

"Well luckily for you, we'll have plenty of time to work on it."

Ben doesn't say anything for several long seconds. The silence stretches on just long enough for Rey to mentally check to make sure their bond is still in place.

And then, the quiver in his voice finally gone, he says, "Okay."


	8. Chapter 8

CHAPTER EIGHT

She'd be lying if she said she didn't put a little extra care into her appearance today. It's not like she has a particularly extensive wardrobe, but she's made sure to wear her cleanest outfit, and has tied her hair up meticulously.

In the grand scheme of things, what Rey looks like doesn't really make a difference — what she says is what will be most important. But still.

She'd woken up with the rest of the base, devoured her breakfast, too antsy to really savor the meal at all, and headed straight to her training course, despite having zero intentions of actually running it.

She's fairly certain she could slip into Ben's room without anyone noticing. Though not as scattered as it all was that first day back, nothing on the base is fully organized yet. There's no set rotation of people on watch, no designated spots for anyone to be at any time. And there are still far too many new members present for there to be a way to keep track of everyone all the time anyways.

So yes, she thinks, no one would have paid attention or cared where she was this morning. She could have visited Ben, could have given him a pep talk — or gotten one from him, perhaps — but she's also fairly certain all her resolve to be level-headed and reasonable in the meeting today would have disappeared if she'd come in fresh off of seeing him.

And she needs a level head today. She needs to remember all of her arguments in favor of letting him stay, all of the words she's prepared outside of "Please, please, please." She has to think about facts and numbers and anecdotes — not about how her hand fits so perfectly in his, or the way even sitting in silence with him is comforting, or how every time she looks in his eyes she remembers the moment she thought he'd never open them again.

She resists the temptation to visit him, to make the most of what some cruel part of her brain imagines might be borrowed time, even though every cell in her body is begging her to go to him. Which is why, as she's standing in a sea of trees, she's utterly unsurprised to feel the Force bond snap into place.

"I'm not sure how far away you are right now, but I can sense your unease from here," Ben's voice echoes in her head.

And then, a second later, he's there in front of her. As always, she can't see any of his surroundings other than the bed he's sitting up in.

He looks considerably healthier than he did a day and a half ago — his hair is a mess but the bags under his eyes have shrunk and he's not quite as deathly pale as he had been.

"I thought you might come by this morning," he says, his mouth downturned in the faintest hint of a frown.

"I thought I might too, but…"

"You wanted a clear head."

Yet again, she wonders if he can actually read her mind. The thought would bring a smile to her face if there wasn't a tangle of nerves clawing away at her insides right now.

"You don't have to do this if you don't want to, you know," he says.

Rey would roll her eyes at this — she _wants_ to — but his voice has gone so soft and his features have melted into something so vulnerable that she can't bring herself to do anything but look directly at him and say "I want to," as firmly as she can.

"I wouldn't blame you. If you'd rather not or if you just want an out. I promise I'd understand."

"Ben, stop it. I mean it. If I didn't want you here you wouldn't be here. I mean really, do you think I spent all that time trying to bring you back to life, and then convincing you to come here, just so I could ditch you at the first available opportunity?"

She doesn't mean to snap at him, she really doesn't. But she also doesn't understand how he can sense her every emotion, can practically read her mind, and yet he still can't comprehend how much she cares about him.

"Oh." He looks away from her and his brow furrows as he works his mouth in an oddly familiar way. And then he looks back, and there's something new in his eyes, some comprehension, some light. "You mean it."

"Yes," she sighs, "I mean it."

The corner of his mouth tilts upward.

"Okay then," he says.

The connection is about to fade out again, she feels it slipping before it does. But she knows, when she can see him like this it means she can touch him too. So she does the same thing she always does with him. She takes a step forward.

It doesn't seem to take as much effort on his part as it did before for him to reach his arm out, but Rey still notes the slight trembling of his hand.

She closes the rest of the distance between them with ease, but she stops herself right before they're close enough to touch.

_This_ was exactly why she didn't visit him this morning. It would be too easy lower her mental defenses, to let herself go soft on a day she needs to stay firm. She told herself she didn't want to be distracted… but maybe that was foolish. Maybe no matter what she does, there will be a small part of her that's with him today. Maybe that's how it should be. They _are_ stronger together, after all.

"Just for a minute?" he asks.

"Are you ever going to get tired of asking me to take your hand?" she smiles.

"I guess the only way to find out is for me to keep asking," he smiles back at her carefully. All of his smiles are still so careful.

She laces her fingers with his, she notices that Ben's hand is warmer than it was the last time she touched it. A good sign.

She pretends _not_ to notice the sigh of relief he tries to hide when she strokes her thumb over his.

* * *

Rey wasn't around when Poe assumed the title of Acting General. She missed his first days in the role, so if there was a shaky transition, Rey never saw it. But she doubts that there ever was any difficulty with the transition at all. What's far more likely, she thinks, is that he slid into the position seamlessly — or at least as seamlessly as anyone could in the middle of a galactic war.

He stands in the same place Leia used to stand in the command center, looking every part the leader as he faces the recently gathered crowd.

Rey is seated next to Finn right up front in the rather large semi-circle that's been formed. Pilots, mechanics, lower ranking officers, and dozens of other people whose jobs she couldn't even guess are gathered for the meeting.

It had been a small relief to realize that not literally every person on the base would be in attendance. Only those who are planning on staying to work as a part of the Resistance's main operations — rather than those returning to their home planets as agents of the cause — are present.

"Think of it as branches of a tree," Poe had explained before the meeting began. "We're the roots and the trunk, standing firm. But it's the branches and the leaves that can spread out across the galaxy the way we need.

There will be more meetings, a million more meetings, before all of those others depart. There will be strategies and plans, agreements, deals, and alliances to solidify. But this meeting only really impacts the people who are staying. Those who are either so displaced that they have nowhere else to go, or they have some vital skill that would be best served here.

So it's this group that Rey needs to convince.

In her years of solitude on Jakku she never developed much of a skill for public speaking, and even after joining the Resistance her role has been more about action and less about talking. She's done a good job, she thinks, at learning how to look after people other than herself… but defending them in a situation where a lightsaber will do no good? That's entirely new.

Rey forces herself to focus on the present, to absorb Poe's words.

He's already gone over the agenda with her so she knows they're not jumping straight into the "Kylo… Ben Issue" as Poe so uncomfortably referred to it a mere hour ago.

For now, all she has to do is sit and listen.

"— lost more than half their forces," Poe says. Rey's not sure what the start of that sentence was, but judging by the light applause scattered throughout the room, it must have been a good thing.

"But," he continues, "that doesn't mean the work is over. Let's go into a little more detail about our most recent intelligence."

Poe pulls up map after map, diagram after diagram on a holopad, talking through each one, explaining which planets are still occupied by the First Order, which are free, and which have been obliterated. The Sith Cultists may have been killed in Exegol, Poe explains, but they have reason to believe there are still loyalists scattered across different star systems and planets.

"If there's anything we've learned," Poe says as he closes out of a map of Mustafar, "it's that vigilance is key. You all know this already — the First Order rose out of the ashes of the Empire. It's up to us to act quickly, decisively, and with a united front to assure that something even worse doesn't rise from the ashes of the First Order."

Voices rise in assent, echoing through the crowd. Poe stands in front of them looking determined, confident, and every bit the leader he's become. Even distracted as she is by the nerves roiling inside her, Rey can feel the swell of pride emanating from Finn.

"Any questions before we move on to our next bit of business?" Poe asks once everyone's finally settled down.

"I have one," calls a man from the back.

"Go ahead," Poe nods.

For a moment, Rey's relieved, thankful for the slight delay in the task she knows is at hand. But the relief lasts only for a moment, and no longer.

"What about the First Order's Supreme Leader? We thought he would've tried to attack by now."

A murmur of voices runs through the gathered crowd, the result of too many people talking amongst themselves. Rey can't pick out any one conversation but the whispers of "supreme leader" and "Kylo Ren" and "monster" are unmistakeable.

The words sound foreign to Rey's ear. It's been so long since she's thought of Ben as any of those things. Every day it's becoming harder and harder to remember how she used to see him, before. But of course that's all he is to all of these people. That's all he is to the entire galaxy.

And right now, the burden falls entirely on Rey to change that.

It's time, then.

"I'm glad you brought that up." Poe shifts his gaze to her just for a second before returning to looking at the man who asked the question. "That actually has to do with our next issue up for discussion."

"Is he in hiding? Did you find him?" sounds a voice somewhere on Rey's right.

She's not sure when it happened but she's realized she no longer feels entirely connected to her body. Her heart is racing, pounding in her chest with an intensity she's only ever felt before mid-duel. She's still sitting, but she can't feel the chair beneath her, and the room feels at least twice as hot as she knows it must be.

A hand on her knee brings her back to herself. She looks up at Finn who gives her what almost looks like a smile — it's meant to be reassuring at least — and squeezes ever so gently on her knee.

"Well, he's—" Poe hesitates. "He's not missing. And he's—"

"He's not going to attack," Rey feels herself stand up before she even thinks to do it. "He's absolutely not going to attack."

"How can you be so sure?" This time the question comes from someone she knows — Beaumont Kin. "If we know where he is we should strike before—"

"There's nothing to strike. He's here." The words come unbidden out of her mouth. This is not how she intended any of this to go. "He's here on the base and he's not going to attack because he's on our side now."

Rey is used to silence. She's used to the still quiet of her dwelling on Jakku where the only sound at night was the distant howl of the wind as it snapped across the desert. She's used to the way the world falls away and disappears when she's deep in meditation, connected to the Force in mind, body, and soul. She's encountered enough silence — in her hut on Ahch-To, in the Falcon rewiring a faulty breaker, in those few horrifying minutes on Exegol when she thought she truly was doomed to be alone — that she's used to it.

But nothing could have prepared her for the heavy hush that falls over the room when she finishes speaking.

The tension is thick in the air, unrelenting in its silence.

Her legs are moving on their own accord now.

Poe steps to the side, allowing Rey to take his place as he slides closer to Rose.

"What do you mean, he's here?" a voice from the back shrieks.

"So it's true, then?" the first man who spoke asks. The accusation in his tone is clear.

It hits Rey — and she's shocked it didn't occur to her sooner — that this isn't just Ben's reputation on the line… it's her own. The uncomfortable pallor that's fallen over the room isn't just saturated with shock, like she had first assumed. It's tinged with something else… betrayal.

She's brought one of the most notorious, most dangerous men in the galaxy into their midst and only bothered to explain why to a handful of people. In some of their eyes, that might make her just as dangerous.

"He's being held in a private room, under surveillance," Poe offers. He doesn't bother to mention that Ben couldn't physically leave that room even if he wanted to.

"He turned," Rey says. She takes a deep centering breath, grasping at the steady sense of calm she has practiced reaching within herself to find so many times. "Before the final battle, before even I made it to Exegol he turned. He abandoned the First Order, he left the dark side behind, and he has no intention of ever returning to it."

"How can you be so sure of that?" someone asks.

She's told the story enough times — the whole ordeal with Palpatine, the moment she knew Ben was on his way, both of them dying and bringing each other back — that she doesn't find herself tripping over her words or reaching for her next sentence. It's smooth, detailed, and if she didn't know herself, she'd think she was actually comfortable speaking in front of a crowd.

"It could still be a trick, couldn't it?" Commander D'Acy asks.

"It couldn't. I—" she tries to think of how to put this without sounding like she's making it up. She knows no one on the base fully understands the Force.

Now is not the time to explain the dyad or the bond or the seeing him when he's not really there — she knows, somehow, that all of that would confuse the issue. But she also knows that in all the time she's been with the Resistance, she's never given them a reason not to trust her. She's never lied, never broken a promise. She's proven herself at every opportunity and she's certain she'll prove herself a hundred more times before the galaxy is finally, fully at peace.

"I see everything in his mind," she settles for saying. "I feel everything he feels. We're… connected. If he wanted to trick me, I'd know well before he did it. And if that ever happened — _and it won't_ — of course I would alert everyone who needed to be alerted."

They're not fully convinced; she doesn't even need to use the Force to feel that. But she wan't really expecting this to be easy, was she? She didn't _really _think it would be a quick chat and then she'd be back in his room, lacing her fingers with his and telling him the good news.

She's used to battles, but not ones of this nature. She's more suited to solving disputes through a lightsaber, or a staff, or on rare occasions her fists. She's not used to having to use her words, to seek diplomacy, to deal in politics at all.

But right now, her words will have to be enough.

"I'm not naive," she says, bracing herself for who knows how long this meeting might go. "I know who he was and what he did, but he is not that person any more. I'd put my life on it. I have."

"I can vouch for him too," Maz stands up — or perhaps she was already standing — and makes her way to the front of the crowd. "I've talked to him, looked in his eyes. I can see it. Leia spent her final moments reaching out to the light she knew was still in him. From what I can tell, she was right."

Rey throws a grateful smile Maz's way before turning back to the rest of the crowd.

"Everyone here came from somewhere else," she says. "We all have pasts, some far less spotless than others. But we choose to trust each other, we've welcomed every person who wanted to fight and given them the chance to prove themselves. Ben has already fought for all of us, he wants to keep fighting as long you let him, and I'm just asking you to give him a chance to prove it."

"She's right."

Rey wasn't expecting to hear Finn's voice at all during this meeting. She had assumed he would stay quiet, silently supporting her no matter which way it went. She thought at most, if it came down to a vote, he'd side with her. But she certainly didn't think he would actually speak up on her — on _Ben's _— behalf.

"I was a Stormtrooper. My whole life, until one day I wasn't and I defected and I joined all of you. Jannah, her whole crew… they all left the First Order. And they came here and we trusted them. Hell, even General Hux — who tried to kill me personally multiple times —spied for us and saved mine and Poe's lives in the end. How many of us wouldn't be here today without his intel? People can change, is what I'm saying."

The room is no less silent than it was minutes ago, but there's been a shift. Rey can feel it just as surely as she can feel the ground beneath her. The mood in the room has changed, become more open, more accepting. The momentum has started — she just needs to give it a final push.

"The Resistance has always been a place for hope, for second chances, for redemption. We don't deal in absolutes like the Sith did. We don't value brutality over mercy like the Empire and the First Order did. What sets us apart, what makes us _stronger_ is our ability to forgive and look for a brighter future. We'd be doing ourselves a disservice, we'd be letting our own mission down, if we turned away from that."

Her words, as it turns out, are enough.

When it's clear that Rey has run out of words — when Chewie and Maz and Finn have all nodded their agreement that Ben is not only not a threat, but an asset to the Resistance — Poe puts it up to a vote.

And to Rey's great shock and utter elation, almost everyone agrees to let Ben stay on the Base.

"With restrictions, of course," Poe reasons. He rattles off a list of places Ben won't be allowed to freely roam and meetings he can't sit in on, but Rey's heart is beating too quickly and her eyes are filling up with too many tears for her to focus on anything but standing upright.

She'll ask Poe to go over all the details again later. She'll need him to, since she still needs to relay it all to Ben. But for now it's enough just to stand here and bask in the knowledge that this isn't the end, that despite the universe's seemingly constant attempts to pull them apart, she gets to stay by Ben's side for the foreseeable future.

Rey offers only one condition of her own: she insists that the two of them be put on the same missions.

Poe agrees without any argument.

"I'll be curious to see your double-act in action," is all he says in response.

Unfortunately for Rey, the meeting isn't quite over yet. She yields the floor back to Poe, makes her way to the empty seat next to Finn and sits down — an impressive feat of self-control if she does say so herself, considering the way her body is practically vibrating with anticipation of seeing Ben again and telling him what's happened.

Her stomach has finally finished unfurling all the knots it tied itself into this morning. Her head is already swimming with the possibilities of what the coming months might look like for her and Ben.

Her hand practically aches to hold his again.


	9. Chapter 9

CHAPTER NINE

Poe ends the meeting with a promise to reconvene in two day's time to go over upcoming assignments. Rey will, of course, be present for that one and — her heart beats even faster just thinking about it — it will be her job to relay necessary information to Ben.

Logically she knows that whatever the assignment is will be dangerous. She and Ben are the two strongest fighters on the base even after returning from the brink of death. Of course whatever mission they're sent on will be hazardous, but the thought of getting to finally, _finally_, fight by his side, in the same place, at the same time, is enough to override any of the nerves she probably should be feeling.

Once everyone starts to disperse, Rey fights the urge to rush immediately to Ben's room and instead forces herself to stay behind with her friends. She's been running away from them, into battle, into Ben for so long, and they've just given her too generous gift for her to run away now. She owes them at least a proper thank you, an hour or so of uninterrupted time. Now that she knows she has time to spare.

The room clears quickly — most of those in attendance waste no time in loitering, eager as they most likely are to relay the non-confidential parts of the meeting to their other friends on the base. Surely confirmation of the rumor that the former Supreme Leader is among their midst will have circulated the whole planet by nightfall.

As soon as the last person leaves, Poe slumps down in a chair, looking like he's aged before her very eyes.

Now it's just Rey and the three people she's spent the most time with over the past year. Finn is still by her side, Rose moves from her seat to the now vacant seat next to Finn. And Poe is facing them, hands in his head, eyes shut.

She's not used to all of four of them being so quiet around each other. But perhaps this is what peace time (though she's apprehensive to label it as such just yet) is — a quieting. An end to the restlessness of unfinished business. The luxury to take a deep breath and enjoy it.

So she accepts the moment for what is is, even though she knows it's fleeting, even though she knows the work is nowhere near done. For just a few seconds she can sit, silent in a room with people she loves, and just _breathe._

Rey tries — she really tries — to relax. But the adrenaline that was coursing through her veins is quickly seeing itself out, leaving her feelings both drained and on edge — uncomfortable in the quiet but unwilling to shatter it.

It's Rose who finally ends the moment for them all.

"How long was that meeting?" she yawns. "Feels like we've been in here for hours."

"Poe might need to work on being a little more succinct. Maybe a few less run-on sentences," Finn replies, the teasing edge to his voice clear.

Poe groans into his hands.

"I have huge, impossible shoes to fill, you know. I'm doing my best to sound leaderly."

"And you're doing a very good job." Finn reaches to close the distance between himself and Poe and places a hand on his knee. "Seriously, you are."

Silence falls over the group again. Is this what it's going to be like, Rey wonders, when the last remaining threats have been eliminated? When they don't have anything they have to talk about, will they even care to talk about anything any more?

The thought tightens something in her chest. It feels vaguely like panic and it takes her longer than a few seconds to identify the source. To identify the fear that maybe without a war to hold them all together, there will be nothing to hold them together at all.

She doesn't notice the way her breathing has sped up until she realizes that Rose is staring at her. And so is Finn.

"You alright, Rey?" Rose asks.

"I am," she nods as she struggles to catch her breath and to push away fears of loss and abandonment she thought she'd long since done away with. "I am, just… today's been a lot. Thank you. Thank you all."

"Thank yourself," Poe finally lifts his head. "You did good up there today."

"You did good," Finn echoes.

She feels suddenly bashful; all of the fire that possessed her when she stood in front of the crowd has been extinguished by tears of relief she hasn't shed yet but knows she will.

"I— I know this was a hard decision for you all and—"

"It wasn't," Rose cuts her off.

"What?"

"It wasn't a hard decision. Not for me at least."

"I'll be honest," Poe sighs. "I don't like it. But not liking something doesn't make it wrong. Any other outcome would have been an injustice and a betrayal to our own beliefs. I don't wanna be friends with the guy, I don't want to eat dinner with him or shake his hand or share inside jokes, but that doesn't mean that he hasn't earned a chance to prove himself. He deserves a place here just like anyone else. So no, it wasn't a hard decision for me either."

Yet another silence falls over the group, still uncomfortable to Rey in its unexpectedness. She really hadn't prepared for this — she's been so single-minded in her goal of keeping Ben here that she hasn't considered, for days, what the aftermath of that decision would be. And she certainly hadn't imagined any scenario in which they were just… like this.

But the crushing fear doesn't return because there's a quality to this silence that she still isn't quite used to, but she can feel it coming off of her friends in waves — companionship.

They're not quiet because they have nothing to say, they're quiet because they don't _need _to say anything.

So she sits, and ignores the way her leg is bouncing and the way her head is still spinning and simply enjoys being in the presence of her friends.

She's not sure how much time passes but eventually Finn sighs.

"We've got your back. We always will," he says.

He technically could be saying it to anyone in the room — and it would ring true for anyone in the room — but Rey knows the sentiment is meant for her.

She thought she'd used up all of her words earlier, but suddenly she finds there's so much she still wants to say. She wants to tell them how much their trust means to her, to reassure them that she'd never ever do anything to endanger their lives, to destroy what they've built.

But there are no words that would properly convey the depth of her gratitude.

"I— thank you," is what she settles for instead.

It seems to be enough.

* * *

His door is closed, as it always is, but the thrill of pushing it open and seeing him isn't tainted with the fear of anyone noticing and asking what's behind that door, anymore. Because they know. Because everyone on the base knows that Ben Solo is here and that Rey cares a great deal for his well-being, even if they don't know exactly how deep that care goes.

So she pushes the door open confidently, without glancing behind her shoulder or squeezing through the smallest opening she can manage.

Rey knows it's been less than a day since she last saw him, but there's something different about seeing him in person rather than through the bond. He's real, and solid, and propped all the way up in bed, the pen in his hand gliding across a sheet of paper.

She only gets a moment to observe him before he stops with whatever he's writing and turns to look at her. The corners of his mouth tilt up, unsurprising given the amount of pure joy he must be feeling her give off.

But still, when he says, "Good news, then?" there's a tinge of hesitancy to his words.

"Good news," she nods, allowing herself to fully beam for the first time in days.

His smile reaches his eyes, crinkling their corners. That's already enough to make her want to run to him immediately, but the slight glistening building up in those corners clinches it. She practically launches herself at him, grateful that he can anticipate her actions well enough to open his arms to her right in time.

She finds herself half on top of him as his arms wrap tightly around her back. She can feel him rest his head atop hers and she buries her face in the crook of his neck, allowing herself to marvel for a minute at how perfectly they seem to fit together. Like two pieces of a whole.

Silence, it seems, is the theme of the evening.

Rey stays pressed against him, crushed tightly to his chest, inhaling the faint smell of bacta he's covered in. One of his hands remains firmly on her lower back, but the other traces up and down her spine in a motion so calming and so familiar it seems impossible to her that she survived so many years of her life without it.

And all at once the relief she's feeling doubles and he holds onto her even tighter and she thinks she could stay here forever — and she actually _could_ now that she knows he doesn't have to leave. And finally the tears that she forced down when she stood in front of the crowd are pricking at her eyes and some small part of her just wants to hold onto him and cry on his neck until she falls asleep.

"What are the terms?" he asks. She can feel the vibrations from his throat as he speaks. "They're not bad, really." She sniffs. She's sure he can hear her and thus sees no need to move her head. "No sitting in on confidential meeting briefs, no free range of the base, quarters separate from everyone else, at least for a little while."

"That's all exceedingly fair."

She nods against him. "Oh, and you're going to be sent to fight in missions."

"Well, I would have done that any way."

Rey finally pulls back just enough to look at him, their noses practically touching.

"And I made them agree to send me on all the same missions."

Ben quirks an eyebrow.

"Are they aware that's a privilege, not a punishment?"

"They're very excited to see us in action."

"They are?" Ben huffs out what almost sounds like a laugh.

"Poe is, at least."

"Well," Ben sighs, "last time we worked together I got thrown into a pit and and both of us briefly died, so we can only go up from there I suppose."

"True," she brushes her nose against his, "but we did sort of save the galaxy from certain doom."

He closes the minuscule space between them, brushing his lips against hers ever so gently.

"Tell me every detail," he mumbles against her mouth.

"What?" Rey pulls back enough to look at him as she strokes his cheekbone with her thumb.

"Tell me exactly how it all happened, what you said, what they said. I just— I need to be sure this is real, that this isn't the only good dream I've ever had."

She wants to dig deeper into that, but there will be plenty of time to ask questions later. Time to ask him what he was writing before she came in, time to ask him what he meant when he said he sleeps fitfully, time for all of it.

Suddenly time is stretching out — not in the barren, desolate, dreary way it did when she was waiting for an unknown future on the sands of Jakku. Instead it's like time has opened to her, the way the galaxy opens when she's in the cockpit of the Falcon, the way the forest of Ajan Kloss is densely populated with trees, each coming from a set origin but branching in a million different directions. Plenty of time for everything.

As much as she'd like to look directly into his eyes the whole time she tells him about the meeting, the chance for distraction is too high — she could very well abandon her train of thought in favor of staring at him instead, now that she's allowed to. Now that she doesn't have to worry that the next time she looks in his eyes will be the last time.

So she flips herself over onto her back and nuzzles into Ben's side as he wordlessly wraps an arm around her, their movements so smooth it's as if this is a choreographed dance they've been doing for years.

He doesn't interrupt her much, as she talks. She eases into the story, starting all the way at the beginning with Poe's brief, but she can feel him tense as she describes their initial reactions to hearing he's on the base. A pang of guilt goes through Rey for not thinking to soften that part of it for him.

"No, no," he mutters, his grip on her shoulder tightening slightly. "It's fine, it's… good. It's good to know how far I've got to go."

"Not nearly as far as you've already come."

She knows even before she turns her head that he's not going to be looking at her, but will have his eyes fixed on some invisible point on the wall across from them.

And she's correct. He's staring straight ahead, his lips pressed into a tight line that tilts downward at the corners. She can't tell if his eyes are watery or if it's simply a trick of the fluorescents. She gently nudges his side all the same.

"Hey, Ben."

He doesn't move. If it weren't for the circles he's started to trace on her shoulder, she'd think he was paralyzed.

"Ben—"

"What if it's never enough?" He keeps staring at the wall, a small waver in his voice the only thing that betrays his stoic expression. "What if there's just too much damage done and they never want me here?"

"Don't be ridiculous, they've already agreed that you can stay."

"But what if they never _want_ me?"

She can see it so clearly, the lonely child who became a troubled teen who became a broken man, tethered to a cause and a master that only cared about his power and never _him_.

And she knows, yet again, part of what drew her to him even when they were on opposite sides of the war. That shared fear — that she must have sensed even before she knew she sensed it — that perhaps there's no length you can go to to make yourself wanted.

But that fear is a lie, she knows that now. Because Ben's family wanted him and everyone on this base wanted her and she's sure that they'll come to want Ben. And even if they never do, she wants him and she knows that he wants her, and maybe they've never really been as alone as they once thought they were.

"I guess there's not much use in worrying about that just yet," she finally sighs. "But if they get to know the same Ben I know then I can't imagine it ever being something to worry about."

She can feel him relax just a little bit, but she's hesitant to take that as a sign that she can keep going until she looks back up at him and sees that he's finally torn his eyes away from the wall. She squeezes the thigh that's pressed against her own — or rather, she tries to; his muscles are still so taut it's more like squeezing a rock than a leg.

"Okay," she settles for a pat instead, "breathe. We're getting to the good part."

He finally, finally relaxes all the way and pulls her even closer into his side.

She doesn't mince words — she details every concern and every question that was directed at her. She can tell he's trying not to react too visibly to anything she says, but she can also sense how difficult that is for him.

She does gloss over some of the details of her speech, though that's only because she can barely even remember exactly what she said. She goes over it all in as much detail as she can though — not just because he asked but because it's actually kind of fun to tell, now that she knows the outcome. Without the haze of fear and desperation, the meeting is somewhat of a good memory.

"It was Maz first," she can hear herself on the verge of rambling but it doesn't seem like Ben has any plans to her. "Maz vouched for you and that was huge and honestly I thought that might have been enough, but then Finn stood up, which I didn't expect at all, but he made some good points—"

"I hope you thanked him for me," Ben tilts his head down and presses his lips to her shoulder.

"I think some day the two of you might get along. He brought up how it's possible for anyone to turn just like he did, and Jannah, and, um, Hux was a spy, and—"

"Wait, Hux? General Hux?" If she couldn't feel the shock coming off of him she'd think he was angry with how sharply he'd spoken.

"I'm pretty sure. I never met him, but he gave Finn and Poe a lot of trouble last year."

"General Armitage Hux?"

"Did you know him?"

Rey isn't sure what response she was expecting but the sharp bark of laughter that bursts out of Ben's mouth certainly wasn't it. She recovers from the surprise of hearing him laugh just in time to appreciate the fact that she's hearing him laugh out loud for the first time.

"Yeah, yes, I knew him," he replies. "I was told the spy had been killed. No one told me it was Hux. He turned?"

"I'm not sure you could actually call it turning. Finn said his actual words were that he 'needed you to lose.'"

"Wow," Ben grimaces, "he must have hated me even more than I knew."

Rey studies Ben for a moment as he stares at nothing, frowning, almost certainly about to get lost in his own head again. She cranes her head up and places a kiss on his cheek and it shouldn't surprise her at this point how natural that feels, but it does all the same.

"If it makes you feel any better, it sounds like he hated everybody. Not an ideal way to live, I don't think."

Ben just hums and looks back down at her.

"What happened next?"

Rey gets through the rest of her retelling of the meeting without interruption. He just sits, and listens, and watches her. She doesn't realize they're breathing in tandem until she's finally stopped talking. She doesn't know if he's timing his breaths with hers or if that's just something the two of them are doing naturally.

"So that brings us back to what I'd said before, about restrictions," she sighs.

Ben doesn't say anything. He just nods once, his eyes boring into hers.

"I can't tell exactly what you're feeling right now," Rey continues when it's clear he's not going to say anything yet. "But I hope you're happy about this. I think it'll work, and we knew this would be hard, but—"

"Rey." It comes out even deeper than his voice usually is. "I'm extremely happy about this. I just— I wish I could have told them myself. I want them to know how serious I am about all of this."

"They'll know."

"I want to make sure you know, too."

"I know, Ben."

He looks at her for another long moment then inhales deeply — the first time their breathing isn't in sync for she doesn't even know how many minutes.

She doesn't have anything else to say. He doesn't seem to either. So they sit there, on the slightly-too-small bed, sides pressed against each other, her head on his shoulder, his hand covering hers.

_Comfortable silence. _

Rey thinks she might finally be starting to understand what that means.

* * *

AN: It's been a crazy month for me, but I promise I'm going to get more consistent with updates!


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